A week ago today I got to spend some much needed time with C. I knew going in that I was going to be punished for cumming without permission but I also knew that we would cement our roles and that there would be much pleasure involved also.
I picked him up and we came back to my place. He was very quiet on the drive over and it made me wonder what exactly he had in store for me. We came inside and he pulled me to him with a wonderful kiss, telling me to head into the bedroom, strip, kneel and wait for him. He came in, got everything ready and placed my collar around my neck. I LOVE my collar. It's a simple brown dog collar with a purple heart tag that says "His Little One". It immediately puts me into the submissive mindset. He directs me to the bed, cuffs my wrists together and has me lean over. Time for my punishment. He starts with his hand, warming up my ass. About 10 in it starts stinging pretty bad. He moves on to the leather paddle. That thing packs a wallop. Alternating between the paddle, his hand and a riding crop, I start writhing, trying to get away. He has to keep pulling me back onto my stomach. All the while he's telling me "You stole something from me. I'm serious about this. Don't you ever doubt me". The last smack brought me to my knees. The wooden paddle. The dreaded wooden paddle. I was in tears at this point, begging him to stop. He picked me up, laying me gently on the bed telling me that it was over. That he was done. He left me for a few minutes and came back with a lotion that he rubbed into the new bruise.
Everything after that is kind of a blur. We spent a lot of time loving on each other and lots and lots of pleasure was had. He sent me into subspace and I apparently passed out from cumming so hard so many times.
At the end we were laying in bed talking and he started rubbing on me again. I had cum so many times that I was exhausted and didn't want to cum again. He started telling me to cum for him and I said "No" and fought him on it. I kept saying "No" over and over again, kept fighting him. He wasn't having it. He persisted until I had no fight left in me and proceeded to cum over and over again, every time he told me to. After I just broke down in tears. He was afraid that he had pushed too far, but he hadn't. It was what I needed. I needed that last little fight taken out of me. I needed him to push me and not let me say no. I needed to fully surrender to him without any sense of having a say in what he does to me. I needed him to take what is his and to own all of me, to make me his slave as he is my Master.
I just came to a huge realization as I'm writing all of this out. I am his slave. I don't want a say in what happens. I want him to own all of me. He's had my heart for months now, mostly all of me physically, but it's time to fully give him the rest of me also. It's time to fully give him my mind and my soul. I trust him enough to know that he will never hurt me, he will never betray me, he will always keep my interest in mind, but to know that everything I do is all for his pleasure, that is what I need. I want him to totally possess all of me and more importantly, I don't want a say in how that happens. I will follow him in whatever course is laid out for us.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Punishment
On Friday, I had a bad day. A really bad day. I was upset at my husband and couldn't have any contact with C because he was with his wife all day. We had gotten to talk for about 3 minutes before he was interrupted by her and had to hang up abruptly. I was feeling neglected and tossed aside. I started thinking irrationally and wanted some revenge and was thinking "you can't tell me what to do when you're not here". So I broke the number 1 rule that he had given me - No cumming without permission. I pulled out my favorite purple vibe and went to town. Within 5 minutes I had my orgasm and thought "That was nice but not great". It felt empty and left me wanting.
And then the guilt set in. The guilt of breaking one of his most important rules. I directly disobeyed him and it was like spitting in his face and saying "I don't care what you tell me, I'll do my own thing". He owns my orgasms and I stole one from him. It's not just about having an orgasm. It's about respecting his limits for me and knowing that he has a reason for having that restriction in place. It's about him owning every part of me; my heart, my mind, my soul and my body.
All of this completely ate me up inside and I sent him an email confessing to what I had done, knowing full well that I would be punished the next time I saw him.
We finally get to see each other on Monday and I know that I will be punished and I know that he will not be taking it easy on me. And I don't want him to. He is my Dom and my punisher for when I need it. With him not letting me off easy with just a slap on the wrist, or the ass as it might be, it will prove to me that he is my Dom and that he's serious about it. That he's the one in charge of me and that he WANTS to be the one in charge of me. And with that comes the respect I need to fully immerse myself as his submissive, as his little one.
I think up until now, even though I have been serious about being his submissive, that I have been hesitant to fully surrender myself to him. Reason being, I've had a couple of other Doms never take it seriously and until I'm able to know that my Dom is serious about this, I don't want to give all of myself with the thought of being horribly disappointed again.
I'm tired of holding back and not fully surrendering. I know who I want to fully surrender to and I know that he won't disappoint me.
And then the guilt set in. The guilt of breaking one of his most important rules. I directly disobeyed him and it was like spitting in his face and saying "I don't care what you tell me, I'll do my own thing". He owns my orgasms and I stole one from him. It's not just about having an orgasm. It's about respecting his limits for me and knowing that he has a reason for having that restriction in place. It's about him owning every part of me; my heart, my mind, my soul and my body.
All of this completely ate me up inside and I sent him an email confessing to what I had done, knowing full well that I would be punished the next time I saw him.
We finally get to see each other on Monday and I know that I will be punished and I know that he will not be taking it easy on me. And I don't want him to. He is my Dom and my punisher for when I need it. With him not letting me off easy with just a slap on the wrist, or the ass as it might be, it will prove to me that he is my Dom and that he's serious about it. That he's the one in charge of me and that he WANTS to be the one in charge of me. And with that comes the respect I need to fully immerse myself as his submissive, as his little one.
I think up until now, even though I have been serious about being his submissive, that I have been hesitant to fully surrender myself to him. Reason being, I've had a couple of other Doms never take it seriously and until I'm able to know that my Dom is serious about this, I don't want to give all of myself with the thought of being horribly disappointed again.
I'm tired of holding back and not fully surrendering. I know who I want to fully surrender to and I know that he won't disappoint me.
Friday, October 19, 2012
My New Love
So I guess it's time to update about the new man in my life. Back in August I wrote a blog about meeting him. Now, 2 months later, it's time to update about who he is and what he means to me.
C and I met on a kink website. We started out as friends with some comments back and forth on posts and pictures. That led to some emails, then IMs and finally talking on the phone. We found that we had a lot in common and were wanting the same thing in a relationship. His voice absolutely melted me and we decided to move forward. Before we even met in person, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to be with. The first hug, as soon as I stepped out of the car, just confirmed it. We had lunch then went to a park to just talk and spend some time together. We had feelings that were evolving before meeting and were cemented when he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him back.
From that first meeting, I have fallen further in love with this wonderful man. We have some obstacles of course. He is not in an open marriage and if his wife finds out, their marriage is over. That's a huge burden to carry. With our schedules not always meshing, we sometimes have to go a few weeks without seeing each other. When he's not at work, he's expected to be at home, which cuts down on opportunities to be together.
Except for those two major obstacles, we're making it work. He's amazing at making sure that I know how loved and wanted I am. That I know how much he wants to be with me when we can't be together. We try to talk every day and often for hours on end through both IM and phone on the days that he is working. He knows my darkest thoughts, my wants and needs. He reads me like a book sometimes and that can be scary. I'm able to lay all of myself out to him and he embraces it and loves it and encourages it.
He does the same for me. He lets me in and let's me see the bad with the good. The parts that he doesn't show other people because they'll judge him and see him as a bad person with bad intentions. He lets me see the dark places of his soul and to find that we have some of the same dark places feels freeing and like I'm not alone in how I feel a lot of the time.
He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, my Dom. He is the one I think of when I'm falling asleep and the first cognizant thought in the morning. I always reach for my phone very first thing in the morning to see if I have a message from him. He's the one my heart misses when it's been too many days apart, who my body craves, who my soul longs for. He is the only one I ever want to submit to. The only one who I want to take me down to the darkest depths of my soul and to know that he will explore and leave me safe and sound.
And the sex....oh wow. There are no words that can truly explain how amazingly amazing the sex is. He makes my body respond like no one ever has. He makes me crave things that I have never craved before. Feeling him bite my neck, the flogger as it falls across my ass and my back, the way my mind just shuts out everything but him and the sensations I'm feeling. Hearing his voice as he commands me to cum at the precise time that he wants me to. Feeling the flooding mess I make when looking deep into his eyes and without a single touch to my body, just feeling his hands hovering over me, and hearing his voice telling me "Cum for me, cum for me now".
My mind, my body, my soul is his. I've always said that my "secondary" would be my "for now" love. Not anymore. He is my "forever minus a day" love. We are both in this for the long haul. No matter what the future brings, we are in this together and we will love and support each other with all we have and all we are. I am hoping that one day he can be more of a part of my family. That my kids will come to know him as "Uncle C" and that we can grow into a truly poly family. Until that time, we continue as we are. We take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and we continue to grow as a vanilla couple and as a D/s couple. We still have a lot to learn about each other but I know that one day, I will wear his collar. And I will be so honored to truly be his.
C and I met on a kink website. We started out as friends with some comments back and forth on posts and pictures. That led to some emails, then IMs and finally talking on the phone. We found that we had a lot in common and were wanting the same thing in a relationship. His voice absolutely melted me and we decided to move forward. Before we even met in person, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to be with. The first hug, as soon as I stepped out of the car, just confirmed it. We had lunch then went to a park to just talk and spend some time together. We had feelings that were evolving before meeting and were cemented when he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him back.
From that first meeting, I have fallen further in love with this wonderful man. We have some obstacles of course. He is not in an open marriage and if his wife finds out, their marriage is over. That's a huge burden to carry. With our schedules not always meshing, we sometimes have to go a few weeks without seeing each other. When he's not at work, he's expected to be at home, which cuts down on opportunities to be together.
Except for those two major obstacles, we're making it work. He's amazing at making sure that I know how loved and wanted I am. That I know how much he wants to be with me when we can't be together. We try to talk every day and often for hours on end through both IM and phone on the days that he is working. He knows my darkest thoughts, my wants and needs. He reads me like a book sometimes and that can be scary. I'm able to lay all of myself out to him and he embraces it and loves it and encourages it.
He does the same for me. He lets me in and let's me see the bad with the good. The parts that he doesn't show other people because they'll judge him and see him as a bad person with bad intentions. He lets me see the dark places of his soul and to find that we have some of the same dark places feels freeing and like I'm not alone in how I feel a lot of the time.
He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, my Dom. He is the one I think of when I'm falling asleep and the first cognizant thought in the morning. I always reach for my phone very first thing in the morning to see if I have a message from him. He's the one my heart misses when it's been too many days apart, who my body craves, who my soul longs for. He is the only one I ever want to submit to. The only one who I want to take me down to the darkest depths of my soul and to know that he will explore and leave me safe and sound.
And the sex....oh wow. There are no words that can truly explain how amazingly amazing the sex is. He makes my body respond like no one ever has. He makes me crave things that I have never craved before. Feeling him bite my neck, the flogger as it falls across my ass and my back, the way my mind just shuts out everything but him and the sensations I'm feeling. Hearing his voice as he commands me to cum at the precise time that he wants me to. Feeling the flooding mess I make when looking deep into his eyes and without a single touch to my body, just feeling his hands hovering over me, and hearing his voice telling me "Cum for me, cum for me now".
My mind, my body, my soul is his. I've always said that my "secondary" would be my "for now" love. Not anymore. He is my "forever minus a day" love. We are both in this for the long haul. No matter what the future brings, we are in this together and we will love and support each other with all we have and all we are. I am hoping that one day he can be more of a part of my family. That my kids will come to know him as "Uncle C" and that we can grow into a truly poly family. Until that time, we continue as we are. We take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and we continue to grow as a vanilla couple and as a D/s couple. We still have a lot to learn about each other but I know that one day, I will wear his collar. And I will be so honored to truly be his.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Tired
I'm tired. I'm just so very tired.
I had an emergency hysterectomy 6 days ago. I'm healing very nicely, getting back to normal. Back to driving, climbing stairs very slowly at times, school work, being mom and wife. I think that everything is healing fine until I do something stupid, like pick my daughter up to put her in time out and jerk myself in the wrong direction and then I hurt. I really really pain-pill hurt. I'm only 6 days post-op from a major abdominal surgery. I have 4 incisions in my now rainbow colored bruised stomach. I AM NOT BACK TO NORMAL YET.
I'm getting so tired of having to rely on someone else to get something done around here. Tonight when I hurt myself, my husband was standing there while my daughter was completely ignoring me and being to start a temper tantrum. What is he doing??? Checking his email on his phone while I have to deal with it, standing not 8 feet away from her. Totally ignoring what was going on until I picked her up and put her in time out and then he says "Are you ok"? Do I LOOK ok as I'm grabbing at my lower abdomen because I feel something pull in a direction that it isn't supposed to be pulled in? Maybe if you had been paying attention to the situation instead of your fucking phone, you would have noticed what was going on.
Same situation with the household chores. He's blind and oblivious until I have to TELL him to do something. I can't lift anything, I can't do a lot of bending. All of that means that I can't do the laundry, empty or load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, pick up my daughter, give her a bath leaning over the tub. So why, last night, did I have to do all of these??? He started a load of laundry, but have any of it been folded? No, still sitting in the basket on the floor of the laundry room 2 days later. I can't lift the damn basket to carry it into the living room and I can't bend over and pull each piece out of the basket to fold everything.
I'm just frustrated. I feel like if I ask him to do something, that I get negative feedback, so instead I do it myself and end up worn out and pissed off that I'm not getting the help I need. I realize that I do 95% of the chores around here and that he works full-time and that he's not used to having to do much of anything around here. But these aren't normal times! I just had my reproductive organs taken out of my body 6 days ago! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!!!
And then I have an exam coming up in two days that I've been studying my ass off for. I'm trying to maintain an "A" average, but at this point, I just don't care. I'm too tired to care.
I just want to be healed and back to normal again. And I know that I will be soon. But soon can't get here fast enough.
I had an emergency hysterectomy 6 days ago. I'm healing very nicely, getting back to normal. Back to driving, climbing stairs very slowly at times, school work, being mom and wife. I think that everything is healing fine until I do something stupid, like pick my daughter up to put her in time out and jerk myself in the wrong direction and then I hurt. I really really pain-pill hurt. I'm only 6 days post-op from a major abdominal surgery. I have 4 incisions in my now rainbow colored bruised stomach. I AM NOT BACK TO NORMAL YET.
I'm getting so tired of having to rely on someone else to get something done around here. Tonight when I hurt myself, my husband was standing there while my daughter was completely ignoring me and being to start a temper tantrum. What is he doing??? Checking his email on his phone while I have to deal with it, standing not 8 feet away from her. Totally ignoring what was going on until I picked her up and put her in time out and then he says "Are you ok"? Do I LOOK ok as I'm grabbing at my lower abdomen because I feel something pull in a direction that it isn't supposed to be pulled in? Maybe if you had been paying attention to the situation instead of your fucking phone, you would have noticed what was going on.
Same situation with the household chores. He's blind and oblivious until I have to TELL him to do something. I can't lift anything, I can't do a lot of bending. All of that means that I can't do the laundry, empty or load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, pick up my daughter, give her a bath leaning over the tub. So why, last night, did I have to do all of these??? He started a load of laundry, but have any of it been folded? No, still sitting in the basket on the floor of the laundry room 2 days later. I can't lift the damn basket to carry it into the living room and I can't bend over and pull each piece out of the basket to fold everything.
I'm just frustrated. I feel like if I ask him to do something, that I get negative feedback, so instead I do it myself and end up worn out and pissed off that I'm not getting the help I need. I realize that I do 95% of the chores around here and that he works full-time and that he's not used to having to do much of anything around here. But these aren't normal times! I just had my reproductive organs taken out of my body 6 days ago! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!!!
And then I have an exam coming up in two days that I've been studying my ass off for. I'm trying to maintain an "A" average, but at this point, I just don't care. I'm too tired to care.
I just want to be healed and back to normal again. And I know that I will be soon. But soon can't get here fast enough.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Why Am I Here?
This weekend I've been struggling with what my place is in this crazy world of poly, open marriage and kink.
I posted a journal entry on one of the websites that I'm on about being called a "home wrecker" and I got some harsh replies. I wasn't really expecting everyone to give me a high five, but I wasn't really ready for the harshness either.
What got me was when someone commented with this: "Personally I look long term, not short term. I chose not to harm another's relationships. I prefer they get their own life in order before they enter into mine. If I miss out in play, that's fine cause my emotional/energetic/spiritual/physical integrity is worth it." So my integrity is now being questioned. I know it's wrong to be with a married man but I didn't CAUSE him to have an affair, but i'm not being the upstanding moral person that I'm supposed to be by putting a stop to it. So now all of my religious convictions are kicking in, because i haven't been back in church since we moved here and i'm dealing with "Is God telling me to get out?".
And then I talked to a dear sweet friend tonight and she's made me see that it's ok. She said "You are a beautiful soul who has been given the chance to love and bring some joy to my really really good friends life". That maybe I'm the support he needs to make some difficult decisions. That maybe I was put into his life for a reason. To be able to show him a love that has no limits and wants nothing in return. To show him that what he's wanting in his life is attainable.
I'm feeling better tonight. I'm feeling renewed and confident that I'm in his life for a reason and that he's in mine for a reason.
I didn't look for this to happen. I didn't look to fall in love with a married man. But I did. And one day I will answer for it I'm sure. But for right now, I will be that support he needs, that friend who is there for him and that lover he can take as his own.
I posted a journal entry on one of the websites that I'm on about being called a "home wrecker" and I got some harsh replies. I wasn't really expecting everyone to give me a high five, but I wasn't really ready for the harshness either.
I started questioning my moral and spiritual integrity. The thing that I don't get is that I've been with married men before, a lot of married men, whose wives had no idea and it never bothered me until now, I think, because no one has ever said "You're a bad person for this".
What got me was when someone commented with this: "Personally I look long term, not short term. I chose not to harm another's relationships. I prefer they get their own life in order before they enter into mine. If I miss out in play, that's fine cause my emotional/energetic/spiritual/physical integrity is worth it." So my integrity is now being questioned. I know it's wrong to be with a married man but I didn't CAUSE him to have an affair, but i'm not being the upstanding moral person that I'm supposed to be by putting a stop to it. So now all of my religious convictions are kicking in, because i haven't been back in church since we moved here and i'm dealing with "Is God telling me to get out?".
And then I talked to a dear sweet friend tonight and she's made me see that it's ok. She said "You are a beautiful soul who has been given the chance to love and bring some joy to my really really good friends life". That maybe I'm the support he needs to make some difficult decisions. That maybe I was put into his life for a reason. To be able to show him a love that has no limits and wants nothing in return. To show him that what he's wanting in his life is attainable.
I'm feeling better tonight. I'm feeling renewed and confident that I'm in his life for a reason and that he's in mine for a reason.
I didn't look for this to happen. I didn't look to fall in love with a married man. But I did. And one day I will answer for it I'm sure. But for right now, I will be that support he needs, that friend who is there for him and that lover he can take as his own.
Friday, October 5, 2012
It's the Weekend
What a whirlwind of a week it has been. Great news, not so great news.
Great news: I got in to nursing school!! I was confident that I would, but fearful that I wouldn't. If I didn't make it in, then what? Be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life? I love my kids, but I feel like I'm slipping away into a useless space-taker sometimes. Like I don't have a direction, or a purpose. At least I've had something to work towards the last few months. A new career. What if I didn't have that to look forward to? I really can't imagine just being a mom. I'm sure I'd find something, but nothing like having a fulfilling career doing something I've been wanting to do since I was 18. So now the excitement begins. Time for more learning and challenging myself.
Not so great news: Hysterectomy in my future. Looking at mid-November or late October. All of my lady parts appear to be broken and the best way to fix them is to remove them. It's going to fix all of my problems, which I'm thrilled about. However, I feel like part of my "womanhood" is being taken away from me. Even though we're done having kids and I don't need my parts anymore, it's still what makes me a woman. Yes, logically I know that removing a uterus doesn't make me less of a woman, but emotionally....other story. These are the parts that carried two children while they were growing inside of me. That protected them and kept them safe for 9 months. That gave me hell when they decided not to work correctly and almost caused my son to show up 10 weeks early. These are the parts that every month I curse because of all of the pain and trouble they give me. But to just take them out and throw them away? It saddens me.
The good is taken with the bad, the happy with the sad. You can't have the highs without having the lows. At least I know that I have 2 wonderfully fantastic men who love me, and I them, completely and will be with me every step of the way.
Great news: I got in to nursing school!! I was confident that I would, but fearful that I wouldn't. If I didn't make it in, then what? Be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life? I love my kids, but I feel like I'm slipping away into a useless space-taker sometimes. Like I don't have a direction, or a purpose. At least I've had something to work towards the last few months. A new career. What if I didn't have that to look forward to? I really can't imagine just being a mom. I'm sure I'd find something, but nothing like having a fulfilling career doing something I've been wanting to do since I was 18. So now the excitement begins. Time for more learning and challenging myself.
Not so great news: Hysterectomy in my future. Looking at mid-November or late October. All of my lady parts appear to be broken and the best way to fix them is to remove them. It's going to fix all of my problems, which I'm thrilled about. However, I feel like part of my "womanhood" is being taken away from me. Even though we're done having kids and I don't need my parts anymore, it's still what makes me a woman. Yes, logically I know that removing a uterus doesn't make me less of a woman, but emotionally....other story. These are the parts that carried two children while they were growing inside of me. That protected them and kept them safe for 9 months. That gave me hell when they decided not to work correctly and almost caused my son to show up 10 weeks early. These are the parts that every month I curse because of all of the pain and trouble they give me. But to just take them out and throw them away? It saddens me.
The good is taken with the bad, the happy with the sad. You can't have the highs without having the lows. At least I know that I have 2 wonderfully fantastic men who love me, and I them, completely and will be with me every step of the way.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
New Beginnings are Scary
It all started with one word..."cute". What the hell does "cute" mean? According to him it meant that it was his way of telling me what I was attractive without it sounding like a come on. Over the next few months there were comments made to pictures, left in threads, a few emails here and there and some flirting. I was involved with someone else, so it never went any further. Then a few weeks ago it got more intense with the flirting. Lots of innuendo and play on words. I became the "Member of the Moment" on the board we were both on. The questions were intense, probing, wanting to know more. From that came an email, not wanting to hijack the thread, but saying he understood what I was talking about with my marriage. It just took off. We started talking on IM and found that we were what the other person had been waiting for. When I wasn't expecting it or looking for it, he was there, just waiting for me to open my eyes and see it.
So now comes the scary part. We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work? He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world. If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over. How do I deal with that? I don't want to be a homewrecker. I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage. He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it. But how do I not?
What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive? That she wants with him what I already have with him? I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to. Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.
I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again. So what do I do? I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest. I don't let him see how invested I really am. How I fully feel. I don't want to be like that! I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel! I did that before and got crushed. I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore. That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you". I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.
I'm scared that this is too good to be true. That it's getting too intense too quickly. That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person. That we're building it up just to be let down.
So what do I do? I lean on him. I let him carry me when I'm doubting. I carry him when it gets tough on his end. I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive. I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us. And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing. I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open. I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.
So now comes the scary part. We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work? He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world. If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over. How do I deal with that? I don't want to be a homewrecker. I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage. He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it. But how do I not?
What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive? That she wants with him what I already have with him? I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to. Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.
I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again. So what do I do? I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest. I don't let him see how invested I really am. How I fully feel. I don't want to be like that! I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel! I did that before and got crushed. I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore. That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you". I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.
I'm scared that this is too good to be true. That it's getting too intense too quickly. That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person. That we're building it up just to be let down.
So what do I do? I lean on him. I let him carry me when I'm doubting. I carry him when it gets tough on his end. I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive. I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us. And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing. I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open. I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)