Why Am I Here?

This weekend I've been struggling with what my place is in this crazy world of poly, open marriage and kink.  

I posted a journal entry on one of the websites that I'm on about being called a "home wrecker" and I got some harsh replies.  I wasn't really expecting everyone to give me a high five, but I wasn't really ready for the harshness either.

I started questioning my moral and spiritual integrity.  The thing that I don't get is that I've been with married men before, a lot of married men, whose wives had no idea and it never bothered me until now, I think, because no one has ever said "You're a bad person for this".  

What got me was when someone commented with this:  "Personally I look long term, not short term. I chose not to harm another's relationships. I prefer they get their own life in order before they enter into mine. If I miss out in play, that's fine cause my emotional/energetic/spiritual/physical integrity is worth it."  So my integrity is now being questioned.  I know it's wrong to be with a married man but I didn't CAUSE him to have an affair, but i'm not being the upstanding moral person that I'm supposed to be by putting a stop to it.  So now all of my religious convictions are kicking in, because i haven't been back in church since we moved here and i'm dealing with "Is God telling me to get out?". 

And then I talked to a dear sweet friend tonight and she's made me see that it's ok.  She said "You are a beautiful soul who has been given the chance to love and bring some joy to my really really good friends life".  That maybe I'm the support he needs to make some difficult decisions.  That maybe I was put into his life for a reason.  To be able to show him a love that has no limits and wants nothing in return.  To show him that what he's wanting in his life is attainable.  

I'm feeling better tonight.  I'm feeling renewed and confident that I'm in his life for a reason and that he's in mine for a reason.

I didn't look for this to happen.  I didn't look to fall in love with a married man.  But I did.  And one day I will answer for it I'm sure.  But for right now, I will be that support he needs, that friend who is there for him and that lover he can take as his own.  

It's the Weekend

What a whirlwind of a week it has been.  Great news, not so great news.

Great news:  I got in to nursing school!!  I was confident that I would, but fearful that I wouldn't.  If I didn't make it in, then what?  Be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life?  I love my kids, but I feel like I'm slipping away into a useless space-taker sometimes.  Like I don't have a direction, or a purpose.  At least I've had something to work towards the last few months.  A new career.  What if I didn't have that to look forward to?  I really can't imagine just being a mom.  I'm sure I'd find something, but nothing like having a fulfilling career doing something I've been wanting to do since I was 18.  So now the excitement begins.  Time for more learning and challenging myself.

Not so great news:  Hysterectomy in my future.  Looking at mid-November or late October.  All of my lady parts appear to be broken and the best way to fix them is to remove them.  It's going to fix all of my problems, which I'm thrilled about.  However, I feel like part of my "womanhood" is being taken away from me.  Even though we're done having kids and I don't need my parts anymore, it's still what makes me a woman.  Yes, logically I know that removing a uterus doesn't make me less of a woman, but emotionally....other story.  These are the parts that carried two children while they were growing inside of me.  That protected them and kept them safe for 9 months.  That gave me hell when they decided not to work correctly and almost caused my son to show up 10 weeks early.  These are the parts that every month I curse because of all of the pain and trouble they give me.  But to just take them out and throw them away? It saddens me.

The good is taken with the bad, the happy with the sad.  You can't have the highs without having the lows.  At least I know that I have 2 wonderfully fantastic men who love me, and I them, completely and will be with me every step of the way.

New Beginnings are Scary

It all started with one word..."cute".  What the hell does "cute" mean?  According to him it meant that it was his way of telling me what I was attractive without it sounding like a come on.  Over the next few months there were comments made to pictures, left in threads, a few emails here and there and some flirting.  I was involved with someone else, so it never went any further.  Then a few weeks ago it got more intense with the flirting.  Lots of innuendo and play on words.  I became the "Member of the Moment" on the board we were both on.  The questions were intense, probing, wanting to know more.  From that came an email, not wanting to hijack the thread, but saying he understood what I was talking about with my marriage.  It just took off.  We started talking on IM and found that we were what the other person had been waiting for.  When I wasn't expecting it or looking for it, he was there, just waiting for me to open my eyes and see it.  

So now comes the scary part.  We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work?  He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world.  If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over.  How do I deal with that?  I don't want to be a homewrecker.  I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage.  He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it.  But how do I not?  

What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive?  That she wants with him what I already have with him?  I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to.  Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.  

I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again.  So what do I do?  I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest.  I don't let him see how invested I really am.  How I fully feel.  I don't want to be like that!  I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel!  I did that before and got crushed.    I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore.  That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you".  I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.

I'm scared that this is too good to be true.  That it's getting too intense too quickly.  That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person.  That we're building it up just to be let down.

So what do I do?  I lean on him.  I let him carry me when I'm doubting.  I carry him when it gets tough on his end.  I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive.  I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us.  And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing.  I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open.  I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.

What Does Love and Hurt Teach?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you... your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman

Why do we  put ourselves out there so another can rip us apart?  So another can take that little glass splinter and work it into our heart and hurt us and make us bleed?  How can a hurt be so physically painful at times? 


Those were questions I never had to ask myself before I met M.  Now they're questions I have to answer.  Unfortunately I don't really know how to answer them.  I gave him a piece of me, I let him inside my heart and my soul.  I trusted him enough not to hurt me.  And that's exactly what he did.  


It's been almost 7 weeks since we've seen each other.  And you know what?  I'm stronger than I was before. Pain and hurt teaches you, just as much as love does.  Love taught me that I can let someone into my heart that I wasn't planning on.  It taught me that my heart is big enough for more than one person in my life.  And what did the pain and hurt teach me?  That I'm a strong person.  That I can get back up and move on with my life, grateful for the time we had together.  That no one, NO ONE, can make me a person that I'm not supposed to be.  No one can beat me down unless I let them.  No one can make me feel worthless unless I let them.


I'm a strong, independent, confidant woman.  And I am so blessed, yes blessed, that I was taught these things the hard way.  Because of him, I grew as a person, I grew as a wife and I grew as a submissive.  


So thank you M....thank you for loving me and for hurting me.  I am a stronger person today because of it.

Wanted You More

Have you ever had a song that just spoke to you in that moment when you really really needed it to?  I had that happen this week.  


Since W and I ended things earlier this week, I've had an increasing need to contact M.  I think over time you forget the bad and remember the good, unless it was really really bad.  I've been missing him and the physical connection and to an extent the mental connection also.  Apparently all that eclipses the fact that he told me that I should try something like sales instead of nursing because I have a "great smile and big tits" and that he told me to "get dressed and get the fuck out" the last time I saw him.  Apparently the fact that he didn't like the way I took care of my house, the way I drove, the way I did most things, is forgotten by the fact that he told me over and over again how amazing I was in bed.  


So I broke down and emailed him.  Pretty much it just said that I'm sorry for how things ended and I wish you the best.  And then I waited with baited breath to hear back from him.  And he did and it said that he felt bad for how things ended as well and maybe we can get together for lunch.  


And then I heard this song the same day.  "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum.  One of my favorite groups by the way.  And it hit me.  I don't want to get back together with him.  I want closure.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did and why he said the things he did.  I am ready to move on from him and from how I was treated.


"I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No I never, saw it comin'
Somethin' in you
Must have changed"

When I don't know why something happened, it plagues me.  "What did I do. What did I not do. What happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about it."  

"My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind."


I wasn't a priority, I was an option.  I don't deserve that and I'm not going to be that for anyone again.  Yes, life gets in the way.  But someone who truly wants a relationship with me, has to keep me off of the back burner.  It's that simple really.  I'm not going to want anyone more than they want me.  It's a two-way street.


"I don't need you
I don't need you anymore"

When

So the "perfect Dom" is apparently a myth.  I thought I had found him, but apparently I was being played.

When am I going to find that guy who is what I need and what I want?  I never thought it would be so difficult.  I've done married and now single.  Neither of those worked out.  Maybe I need to find a divorced guy now.

Maybe I just need to stop looking period.  They always say the one for you will fall in your lap when it's least expected or when you stop looking.  Maybe....who knows.

I'm just tired of the game.  I'm tired of the broken promises, the empty words, the untruths, the drama, the games.  I'm just tired.

School's Out For Summer

Singing this in my head thanks to Alice Cooper and am I ever so glad that it is!  I've got the next two months off and then heading back to take A&P II in the fall.  I made an A in my summer class!  I figured out that I can do anything that I set my mind too and if I surround myself with people who  love, support and care for me, that I can touch the stars.  It was a tough month with no life, but I did it and I'm so proud of myself.


So summer is here for me.  What am I going to do???  Enjoy being mom until my son heads back to school in 4 1/2 weeks.  I can't believe that summer is just starting for me but half-way over for him!  My daughter goes back after Labor Day, so she'll get a few weeks of one-on-one Mommy time.  


I'm also going to get to spend some much needed time with my new Dom.  Things are going very very well with him.  I'm still a little hesitant to put myself out there too much thanks to Asshole (yes, my new name for my last Dom).  I'm just trying to take it slowly and make sure I don't get burned again.  Right now, in NRE, it's truly wonderful.  But happens when the NRE wears off?  I have some reservations about him being single.  He's the first single guy I've been with and I don't want to tie him down to me when he can be with a woman who can give him a future.   As he's told me, it's not an issue.  But what happens if 6 months, a year, two years down the line, when I'm fully vested in this relationship and completely in love with him, he wants someone who can give him a marriage and children?  Someone who he can grow old with?  I'm not leaving my husband, who is my "forever love" to start a new life with someone else.  So I get hurt, again.  He finds a woman who can give him everything and I'm left picking up my heart again.  I guess it's a chance you take in any relationship.  I have to trust him that he's never going to intentionally hurt me.  He told me yesterday that he promises to be overly honest with me and protect me.  That I'm his girl and he takes that seriously.  I have to trust that.  That's all I can do.