Wanted You More

Have you ever had a song that just spoke to you in that moment when you really really needed it to?  I had that happen this week.  


Since W and I ended things earlier this week, I've had an increasing need to contact M.  I think over time you forget the bad and remember the good, unless it was really really bad.  I've been missing him and the physical connection and to an extent the mental connection also.  Apparently all that eclipses the fact that he told me that I should try something like sales instead of nursing because I have a "great smile and big tits" and that he told me to "get dressed and get the fuck out" the last time I saw him.  Apparently the fact that he didn't like the way I took care of my house, the way I drove, the way I did most things, is forgotten by the fact that he told me over and over again how amazing I was in bed.  


So I broke down and emailed him.  Pretty much it just said that I'm sorry for how things ended and I wish you the best.  And then I waited with baited breath to hear back from him.  And he did and it said that he felt bad for how things ended as well and maybe we can get together for lunch.  


And then I heard this song the same day.  "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum.  One of my favorite groups by the way.  And it hit me.  I don't want to get back together with him.  I want closure.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did and why he said the things he did.  I am ready to move on from him and from how I was treated.


"I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No I never, saw it comin'
Somethin' in you
Must have changed"

When I don't know why something happened, it plagues me.  "What did I do. What did I not do. What happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about it."  

"My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind."


I wasn't a priority, I was an option.  I don't deserve that and I'm not going to be that for anyone again.  Yes, life gets in the way.  But someone who truly wants a relationship with me, has to keep me off of the back burner.  It's that simple really.  I'm not going to want anyone more than they want me.  It's a two-way street.


"I don't need you
I don't need you anymore"

Moving On and Starting Over

How do I move on and start over when I still don't understand what happened in the first place?  In an hour and 20 minutes it went from "I love you and miss you" to "You have a selfish and hateful attitude so goodbye".  And all I said was "So I'm in a holding pattern.  OK....I can deal with that".


My heart is absolutely broken and my mind is beyond confused.  I don't understand how in just a week we went from good as gold to over.  I don't understand how just asking for 10 minutes of his time so he could explain to me face to face what was going on made me selfish and hateful.  Maybe it was the way I approached it.


He had always told me that being open with how I was feeling was what he wanted.  I've kind of figured out that isn't always the best policy.  Sometimes just keeping your mouth shut will save you a lot of misery and pain.


So where do I go from here?  Right now I'm just fighting the urge not to text, call or email him to apologize for everything.  I'm hoping that once things settle down, we can come together again and maybe work this out.  I still love him, more than I thought possible, and I don't want to loose him forever, especially like this.