New Chapter

When I started this blog it was just supposed to be between my Dom and I about our relationship.  Well, since we are no more, I'm expanding it to be about me.  About my life, my marriage, my kink, my relationships.  It will be my place to vent, to explore, to muse, to figure out, to cheer, to cry.  And I invite you to come along for the ride!  Please feel free to leave comments.  It would be nice to know who actually reads this.  


So about me.  I'm in my mid-30s and married for 10 years to John (no, not his real name, just what I'm calling him here).  Two amazing kids, little girl who is 2 (going on 16), little boy who is 6.  I live in Nashville and just moved here in August.  I'm a stay-at-home mom and I'm going back to school in June for nursing.  


I'm in an open marriage and have been for almost a year.  So far so good!  It hasn't always been easy, but I have a very strong marriage and open communication.  As a matter of fact, while things were going south with my Dom, John sat on the bed and rubbed my back while I cried.  He's an amazing husband and is my "forever love".  He's out on a date while I write this actually.  We both know that other will always come home and that our family will always be our number one priority in all of this.  


I'm also polyamorous.  What does that mean?  I have the capacity to love more than one at a time.  I don't believe that one person can truly fulfill all of a person's wants and needs.  I believe in a "for now" love.  That love could be for a few months or for a few years.  I would love to find that love that lasts for years.  But alas, that doesn't always happen.  But each love I have teaches me new and wonderful things, both good and bad.


I'm also a submissive.  This quote defines who I am perfectly:


“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”  Anais Nin


I am a strong woman who holds her head high and has a fantastic sense of who she is, however, I crave submitting to a man who can peel back my layers and see all of me, not just the strong parts but the vulnerable parts also.  I want a man to get inside my head, to challenge me, to use me, to shape me into the sub I know I can be and that he wants me to be.

I'm in search of my perfect Dom.  Someone who sees all of me and loves me even more because of that.  Who will take the bad with the good, the imperfect with the perfect, the ugly with the beautiful.  Someone who doesn't run away when it gets to hard to handle, when I get difficult and moody and clingy and needy.  But rather someone who will embrace those parts of me and help me to become a better person because of those traits and who will teach me how to use those negatives to become that better person.

Each relationship that ends, I learn something.  Sometimes, many somethings.  With the first Dom, I learned that distance can be really hard on a relationship.  With my second Dom I learned that physical attraction is really important along with having really great aftercare.  The "scene" might be AMAZING, but without the physical attraction and needed aftercare, you're left feeling empty.  And with my last Dom, I learned the most important lesson of all so far....that I was capable of loving more than one person at a time.  And for that I will be forever grateful.  I also learned that consistency and follow through is HUGE for me.  I'm sure I'll go into more of all of this at a later time.

But for now....it's time for a new chapter and I can't wait to see what the future brings me.  

Being Open

Being open - my marriage, my thoughts, my feelings.  


I've always been an open person, when it's something I wanted to talk about at the time I wanted to talk about it.  When I don't want to talk about it, I clam up, I avert my gaze, I walk away, I busy myself with something else to do.  This, having a blog and being able to spill out what I'm thinking and feeling without fear of repercussion, is going to force me to really look inside myself and face those thoughts I don't always want to have.  To be able to constructively deal with those emotions that I force down because I don't want to be a burden on anyone if I let them out and then they have to deal with them also.  Hopefully it will help me deal with the depression I battle without having to go back on my meds.  This is going to be good for me.  Writing has always helped me express what gets jumbled up in my head.  


So what does being open mean?  According to the dictionary it's allowing access, passage, or a view through an empty space; not closed or blocked up.  Wow...first time I'd ever really read that definition.  Allowing someone access to my empty spaces and not being closed or blocked.  Allowing someone to see in me and through me, through my heart, my head and my soul.  Also called intimacy.  I learned back in high school that intimacy means "Into me you see".  How easy is it for me to block others so they can't see the real me?  I don't want to block the important people in my life, but sometimes you have to because you don't want them to see the rawness of who you are.  You're afraid that if they really truly see all of you that they're not going to want you anymore, that you're not going to "measure up", that you're going to be judged for what you want and need.  


And here I am....with two men that I love deeply and still afraid that they're not going to want me if they really know everything that's in my heart.  I have to trust both men enough to know that they want me, all of me.  They want my happiness, my hurts, my pains, my joys, my triumphs, my griefs, as much as I want theirs.  I'm not forcing them to love me, to care for me, to want me.  It's something they want.  Most of the time I don't feel like I deserve that and then other times I think "they're damn lucky to have me". LOL  


Last night I got to spend some much much needed time with Mike.  I got to feel love and pain and intense pleasure and happiness and some sadness.  All in a matter of 4 short hours. I felt love the entire time.  He's so good at showing me that he loves me, from the words to the actions.  The pain when he spanked my ass, my thighs, my pussy, pulled on my nipples.  I think all of my nerve endings were just in hyper-sensitive mode.  The pain was more intense, more surface, more THERE than in the past.  The intense pleasure when he brought me to orgasm over and over again .  The happiness when he told me what a good girl I am, that I'm his baby girl and that he wants me in his life for a long time.  The sadness when I had to say goodbye and couldn't stay wrapped up in his arms all night.


I'm a roller coaster of emotion with him.  The insecurities I feel when we're apart is something I'm not used to.  He's so good at throwing me off-kilter and leaving me there.  Sometimes I feel like I'm learning to ride a bike again, just waiting to loose my balance and hit the ground.  And when I do hit the ground, it's going to be hard and it's not going to be gracefully.  It's going to be painful and I'm going to get scraped up.  But I know that he'll help me back up, put some salve on my scrapes, cover it with his kiss as a band-aid, and help me back on the bike.


So what does all of this have to do with being open?  I love and trust this man enough to let him into all of me, into all of my empty spaces.  He gives me feelings I haven't experienced, the intenseness that I crave, the magic I was looking for.  Last night when we were having sex for the last time before I had to go home, I was on top and as I started to cum he kept telling me over and over that he loved me.  When I came, I came incredibly hard and felt myself release and I didn't just squirt, I freaking gushed, enough that it caught me off guard and when I realized what had happened, I was overcome with emotions.  That was the first time I had ever cum like that.  It was my body's way of saying "I release myself to you, take me, take all of me".  


So here I am....just asking you to take me and love me and have me, for whatever time we have together.