Open

I posted yesterday and then took it down because I finally heard from him last night.  The text says "It's been a terrible couple of days.  I will call you tomorrow.  A lot has happened and everything has changed.  I love you, have a good night and I hope you sleep well."

OK...so renewed hope that I'm not just a second hand thought.  So he takes my hopes and raises them up and then what?  Today happens.  Text from this morning at 9am:  "I have a ton of work to get done today, I'm going to try to get away to see you".  So it's almost 2:00 and I haven't heard another word.  Heading into a weekend and I won't be seeing him for at least another 2 days.  So that's a week without seeing him then.  OK...I can handle this.  And how do I handle this?  By reposting what I originally posted yesterday.  Here it is:

He wants me to be open with him, but apparently it's not a two-way street.

I hadn't heard from him all day.  Hell barely heard from him yesterday.  Haven't even talked to him on the phone in 2 days, since 1:30 on Tuesday to be exact.  Yes, my phone keeps a log.  I was barely tolerated on Monday.  So here I am on Thursday afternoon.  I purposely didn't text him today to see how long it would take for him to text me.  I held out till 3:30.  And what do I hear back?  "Having some family issues.  I'm not really in a mood to talk to anyone right now."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Do you know how that would have been received if I had said that? I didn't realize that "open, honest communication" only applied when you FELT like it or when you were in the MOOD to talk.

Well I FEEL like being open right now so I'm going to do it.  You wanted open and honest....well here ya go babe.

You supposedly love me.  You supposedly care for me.  Is this how you treat people that you love?  Because if it is, I don't want any part of it.  I don't deserve to be treated like a burden to someone.  I don't deserve to be treated as second-rate.  I don't deserve the left-overs of your life, your "when I have time for you" leftovers.  I don't deserve to be ignored until you find the time and energy to contact me.  If you can't juggle a wife and me, then you shouldn't have both.

You probably think I'm being too needy or emotional or blowing things out of proportion.  How do you expect me to react when I go from seeing you 4-5-6 times a week and now maybe once or twice?   When I go from talking to you at every spare moment to not a single contact all day?  To being that person you wanted to reach out to and now you don't?  To being that first thought in the morning and last at night to not being that?

And I don't know what to do now.  I don't know whether to say "Fuck you and your life and your problems" or "I'll just wait here until it all settles down and you get it figured out".  And here's the thing.  You're still all of the things I just mentioned above to me.  You're still the first thought I have in the morning and the last before I go to sleep.  You're still the person I want to reach out to with good and bad news, with my happiness and my troubles, with my triumphs and my defeats.

For the first time ever, I feel like a mistress.  And that feeling sucks.  I want you in my life for a long time, but I can't be treated like this.  I don't deserve it.