Bone Marrow Donation

About 3 years ago I signed up to be a bone marrow donor.  I never imagined that I would get a call that I was a match, but at the end of October that's exactly what I got.  I was told it was for a 7 year old little girl who has Fanconi Anemia.  I was sent in for more testing and the week of Christmas I got the phone call that I was a perfect match.  I was excited, nervous and humbled.  They told me that the donation was going to be in March or April, so I waited.  Most of March moved on and still I waited.  Finally at the end of March I got a call that we were ready to move forward.  I was sent for a complete physical and given a tentative donation date.  I would be doing a Peripheral Blood Stem Cell donation.  What that means is that for 4 days before the donation I have to take a medication called Filgrastim and the donation is a lot like giving plasma.  They take the blood out of one arm, remove the stem cells and marrow and give me back in the other arm what they don't need.

So I started the Filgrastim 3 days ago.  The side effects aren't pleasant, but tolerable.  For me it's been bone pain, muscle pain and insomnia.  Tylenol has been able to keep the edge off for the most part and the effects are actually getting less as the time goes on.  Maybe my body is just getting used to it.

Tomorrow I go in for the donation.  I'm ready for it to be done.  It's actually the easy part of the whole week.  I get to sit and watch movies for 4 hours.  After the donation I should be back to "normal" in a day or two.

So those are the facts.  Now how to I "feel" about all of this?  I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy.  It's been painful, but I have to keep remembering that I'm doing this for a little girl so she can have a longer life.  There have been times when I just wanted to complain and cry that I don't want to do this anymore.  That it hurt too bad.  But I have a wonderfully supportive family who understands and has really picked up the slack and has kept encouraging me.

One of the hardest things is being praised for what I'm doing.  I don't want praise for it.  I do want people to know how important it is and to encourage others to sign up to be on the registry.  This short 5 day time period is minimal in the grand scheme of my life.  And for that I get to save a life.  Now that's pretty damn cool.

New Chapter

When I started this blog it was just supposed to be between my Dom and I about our relationship.  Well, since we are no more, I'm expanding it to be about me.  About my life, my marriage, my kink, my relationships.  It will be my place to vent, to explore, to muse, to figure out, to cheer, to cry.  And I invite you to come along for the ride!  Please feel free to leave comments.  It would be nice to know who actually reads this.  


So about me.  I'm in my mid-30s and married for 10 years to John (no, not his real name, just what I'm calling him here).  Two amazing kids, little girl who is 2 (going on 16), little boy who is 6.  I live in Nashville and just moved here in August.  I'm a stay-at-home mom and I'm going back to school in June for nursing.  


I'm in an open marriage and have been for almost a year.  So far so good!  It hasn't always been easy, but I have a very strong marriage and open communication.  As a matter of fact, while things were going south with my Dom, John sat on the bed and rubbed my back while I cried.  He's an amazing husband and is my "forever love".  He's out on a date while I write this actually.  We both know that other will always come home and that our family will always be our number one priority in all of this.  


I'm also polyamorous.  What does that mean?  I have the capacity to love more than one at a time.  I don't believe that one person can truly fulfill all of a person's wants and needs.  I believe in a "for now" love.  That love could be for a few months or for a few years.  I would love to find that love that lasts for years.  But alas, that doesn't always happen.  But each love I have teaches me new and wonderful things, both good and bad.


I'm also a submissive.  This quote defines who I am perfectly:


“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”  Anais Nin


I am a strong woman who holds her head high and has a fantastic sense of who she is, however, I crave submitting to a man who can peel back my layers and see all of me, not just the strong parts but the vulnerable parts also.  I want a man to get inside my head, to challenge me, to use me, to shape me into the sub I know I can be and that he wants me to be.

I'm in search of my perfect Dom.  Someone who sees all of me and loves me even more because of that.  Who will take the bad with the good, the imperfect with the perfect, the ugly with the beautiful.  Someone who doesn't run away when it gets to hard to handle, when I get difficult and moody and clingy and needy.  But rather someone who will embrace those parts of me and help me to become a better person because of those traits and who will teach me how to use those negatives to become that better person.

Each relationship that ends, I learn something.  Sometimes, many somethings.  With the first Dom, I learned that distance can be really hard on a relationship.  With my second Dom I learned that physical attraction is really important along with having really great aftercare.  The "scene" might be AMAZING, but without the physical attraction and needed aftercare, you're left feeling empty.  And with my last Dom, I learned the most important lesson of all so far....that I was capable of loving more than one person at a time.  And for that I will be forever grateful.  I also learned that consistency and follow through is HUGE for me.  I'm sure I'll go into more of all of this at a later time.

But for now....it's time for a new chapter and I can't wait to see what the future brings me.  

Moving On and Starting Over

How do I move on and start over when I still don't understand what happened in the first place?  In an hour and 20 minutes it went from "I love you and miss you" to "You have a selfish and hateful attitude so goodbye".  And all I said was "So I'm in a holding pattern.  OK....I can deal with that".


My heart is absolutely broken and my mind is beyond confused.  I don't understand how in just a week we went from good as gold to over.  I don't understand how just asking for 10 minutes of his time so he could explain to me face to face what was going on made me selfish and hateful.  Maybe it was the way I approached it.


He had always told me that being open with how I was feeling was what he wanted.  I've kind of figured out that isn't always the best policy.  Sometimes just keeping your mouth shut will save you a lot of misery and pain.


So where do I go from here?  Right now I'm just fighting the urge not to text, call or email him to apologize for everything.  I'm hoping that once things settle down, we can come together again and maybe work this out.  I still love him, more than I thought possible, and I don't want to loose him forever, especially like this.

My New Philosophy

"I want to expose myself emotionally, sexually and intimately without fear of reprisal, abandonment or ridicule.  I want this act to be received in a way that supports my dignity, intelligence, womanhood and heart.  I want to be not only accepted but needed.  Not only needed but cherished.  Not only cherished but respected.  All of me….not just my body….not just for what I represent or provide or satisfy but because someone wants to see who I am….really, really see...see all the parts of me and still wants me as a whole – wants me “as is”.  Only then will I be able to believe the sincerity of the words seductively spoken in dark corners and breathless moments.  Only then will I know that I am not invisible to another and that true connection between two people exists.  Only then will I love completely, truly and honestly as I love myself."

Open

I posted yesterday and then took it down because I finally heard from him last night.  The text says "It's been a terrible couple of days.  I will call you tomorrow.  A lot has happened and everything has changed.  I love you, have a good night and I hope you sleep well."

OK...so renewed hope that I'm not just a second hand thought.  So he takes my hopes and raises them up and then what?  Today happens.  Text from this morning at 9am:  "I have a ton of work to get done today, I'm going to try to get away to see you".  So it's almost 2:00 and I haven't heard another word.  Heading into a weekend and I won't be seeing him for at least another 2 days.  So that's a week without seeing him then.  OK...I can handle this.  And how do I handle this?  By reposting what I originally posted yesterday.  Here it is:

He wants me to be open with him, but apparently it's not a two-way street.

I hadn't heard from him all day.  Hell barely heard from him yesterday.  Haven't even talked to him on the phone in 2 days, since 1:30 on Tuesday to be exact.  Yes, my phone keeps a log.  I was barely tolerated on Monday.  So here I am on Thursday afternoon.  I purposely didn't text him today to see how long it would take for him to text me.  I held out till 3:30.  And what do I hear back?  "Having some family issues.  I'm not really in a mood to talk to anyone right now."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Do you know how that would have been received if I had said that? I didn't realize that "open, honest communication" only applied when you FELT like it or when you were in the MOOD to talk.

Well I FEEL like being open right now so I'm going to do it.  You wanted open and honest....well here ya go babe.

You supposedly love me.  You supposedly care for me.  Is this how you treat people that you love?  Because if it is, I don't want any part of it.  I don't deserve to be treated like a burden to someone.  I don't deserve to be treated as second-rate.  I don't deserve the left-overs of your life, your "when I have time for you" leftovers.  I don't deserve to be ignored until you find the time and energy to contact me.  If you can't juggle a wife and me, then you shouldn't have both.

You probably think I'm being too needy or emotional or blowing things out of proportion.  How do you expect me to react when I go from seeing you 4-5-6 times a week and now maybe once or twice?   When I go from talking to you at every spare moment to not a single contact all day?  To being that person you wanted to reach out to and now you don't?  To being that first thought in the morning and last at night to not being that?

And I don't know what to do now.  I don't know whether to say "Fuck you and your life and your problems" or "I'll just wait here until it all settles down and you get it figured out".  And here's the thing.  You're still all of the things I just mentioned above to me.  You're still the first thought I have in the morning and the last before I go to sleep.  You're still the person I want to reach out to with good and bad news, with my happiness and my troubles, with my triumphs and my defeats.

For the first time ever, I feel like a mistress.  And that feeling sucks.  I want you in my life for a long time, but I can't be treated like this.  I don't deserve it.

Hindrance?

I was told yesterday that he worries about me.  It made me feel good that he said the words "I was worried about you" because he's not so great at showing it at times.  In fact, a lot of the time I feel like I'm in the way or intruding on his day.  Especially yesterday.  I know that work was baring down on him plus he was getting ready to leave town, but if he didn't have the attention to make me at least feel like he wanted me around, why bother to tell me to come over anyway?   I'd rather be told "Listen sweetie, I'm just covered up with work and can't get away right now" than to be just a warm body.  Which is what I felt like.  Like I was taking up his valuable time and attention.  It was obvious that I wasn't his priority.  His mind was racing with work and travel and everything he needed to do before he left for the airport.  I never ever want to feel like I'm a hindrance to him but that I'm a needed and wanted person in his life.  Sometimes I wonder which category I fall into.


And what's up with not even getting an "I love you" when he said good night?

Being Open

Being open - my marriage, my thoughts, my feelings.  


I've always been an open person, when it's something I wanted to talk about at the time I wanted to talk about it.  When I don't want to talk about it, I clam up, I avert my gaze, I walk away, I busy myself with something else to do.  This, having a blog and being able to spill out what I'm thinking and feeling without fear of repercussion, is going to force me to really look inside myself and face those thoughts I don't always want to have.  To be able to constructively deal with those emotions that I force down because I don't want to be a burden on anyone if I let them out and then they have to deal with them also.  Hopefully it will help me deal with the depression I battle without having to go back on my meds.  This is going to be good for me.  Writing has always helped me express what gets jumbled up in my head.  


So what does being open mean?  According to the dictionary it's allowing access, passage, or a view through an empty space; not closed or blocked up.  Wow...first time I'd ever really read that definition.  Allowing someone access to my empty spaces and not being closed or blocked.  Allowing someone to see in me and through me, through my heart, my head and my soul.  Also called intimacy.  I learned back in high school that intimacy means "Into me you see".  How easy is it for me to block others so they can't see the real me?  I don't want to block the important people in my life, but sometimes you have to because you don't want them to see the rawness of who you are.  You're afraid that if they really truly see all of you that they're not going to want you anymore, that you're not going to "measure up", that you're going to be judged for what you want and need.  


And here I am....with two men that I love deeply and still afraid that they're not going to want me if they really know everything that's in my heart.  I have to trust both men enough to know that they want me, all of me.  They want my happiness, my hurts, my pains, my joys, my triumphs, my griefs, as much as I want theirs.  I'm not forcing them to love me, to care for me, to want me.  It's something they want.  Most of the time I don't feel like I deserve that and then other times I think "they're damn lucky to have me". LOL  


Last night I got to spend some much much needed time with Mike.  I got to feel love and pain and intense pleasure and happiness and some sadness.  All in a matter of 4 short hours. I felt love the entire time.  He's so good at showing me that he loves me, from the words to the actions.  The pain when he spanked my ass, my thighs, my pussy, pulled on my nipples.  I think all of my nerve endings were just in hyper-sensitive mode.  The pain was more intense, more surface, more THERE than in the past.  The intense pleasure when he brought me to orgasm over and over again .  The happiness when he told me what a good girl I am, that I'm his baby girl and that he wants me in his life for a long time.  The sadness when I had to say goodbye and couldn't stay wrapped up in his arms all night.


I'm a roller coaster of emotion with him.  The insecurities I feel when we're apart is something I'm not used to.  He's so good at throwing me off-kilter and leaving me there.  Sometimes I feel like I'm learning to ride a bike again, just waiting to loose my balance and hit the ground.  And when I do hit the ground, it's going to be hard and it's not going to be gracefully.  It's going to be painful and I'm going to get scraped up.  But I know that he'll help me back up, put some salve on my scrapes, cover it with his kiss as a band-aid, and help me back on the bike.


So what does all of this have to do with being open?  I love and trust this man enough to let him into all of me, into all of my empty spaces.  He gives me feelings I haven't experienced, the intenseness that I crave, the magic I was looking for.  Last night when we were having sex for the last time before I had to go home, I was on top and as I started to cum he kept telling me over and over that he loved me.  When I came, I came incredibly hard and felt myself release and I didn't just squirt, I freaking gushed, enough that it caught me off guard and when I realized what had happened, I was overcome with emotions.  That was the first time I had ever cum like that.  It was my body's way of saying "I release myself to you, take me, take all of me".  


So here I am....just asking you to take me and love me and have me, for whatever time we have together.