It all started with one word..."cute". What the hell does "cute" mean? According to him it meant that it was his way of telling me what I was attractive without it sounding like a come on. Over the next few months there were comments made to pictures, left in threads, a few emails here and there and some flirting. I was involved with someone else, so it never went any further. Then a few weeks ago it got more intense with the flirting. Lots of innuendo and play on words. I became the "Member of the Moment" on the board we were both on. The questions were intense, probing, wanting to know more. From that came an email, not wanting to hijack the thread, but saying he understood what I was talking about with my marriage. It just took off. We started talking on IM and found that we were what the other person had been waiting for. When I wasn't expecting it or looking for it, he was there, just waiting for me to open my eyes and see it.
So now comes the scary part. We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work? He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world. If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over. How do I deal with that? I don't want to be a homewrecker. I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage. He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it. But how do I not?
What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive? That she wants with him what I already have with him? I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to. Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.
I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again. So what do I do? I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest. I don't let him see how invested I really am. How I fully feel. I don't want to be like that! I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel! I did that before and got crushed. I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore. That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you". I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.
I'm scared that this is too good to be true. That it's getting too intense too quickly. That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person. That we're building it up just to be let down.
So what do I do? I lean on him. I let him carry me when I'm doubting. I carry him when it gets tough on his end. I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive. I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us. And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing. I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open. I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.
