"When in a relationship....Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. "
How often do I need to be reminded of this! I have to remember that I am an option to him, not his priority and that I need to be treating him the same. I need to stop being disappointed when I don't hear from him. I need to remember that I'm being held at arm's length right now and that I need to do the same to him.
Knowing and doing....two totally different things.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Kiss
A kiss can tell you so much about a person. Are they sloppy or tidy, aggressive or passive, passionate or dull, all business or playful? There's an exchange of scents, tastes, textures, secrets and emotions.
I have kissed some truly awful kissers. The kind that just makes you want to push them away and go "yuck, can you get me a towel please?" All tongue and spit and slobber. And then there's the ones who never open their mouth and it's like kissing a wall. Those have always translated to not having the chemistry I was wanting with a potential partner.
And then there's the ONE. The one who when I kissed him for the first time, I knew I was going to be in trouble. It was the perfect blend of aggressiveness, mixed with playfulness. Warm, soft, giving lips who took as much as they gave. Just the right hint of tongue. No gnashing of teeth, no tongue being forced down my throat. Soft gentle nibbles on the lip. Just a total melting into each other. Being pushed up against the car, feeling his body mold so perfectly into mine.
You see, the perfect kiss isn't just mouth and lips and tongue. It's the whole body. It's feeling his strong arms wrapping just right around me. It's reaching down and grabbing his belt loop and pulling his hips into mine. It's feeling how much he craves me. It's the buckling of the knees when he moves to that area just below the ear lobe for a quick feathery hot breath before coming back to end the kiss.
And now, 4 months later, that kiss gets me going every single time. I crave his arms pulling me to him, his lips on mine, his breath tasting like cigar and red wine. And last night was a new one. His lips, his tongue, his hot breath following up my spine, so softly you could barely feel it, making my back arch and sending chill bumps throughout my entire body.
He knows how to make me acquiesce, so easily and so completely. Just kiss me. And I'm all yours.
I have kissed some truly awful kissers. The kind that just makes you want to push them away and go "yuck, can you get me a towel please?" All tongue and spit and slobber. And then there's the ones who never open their mouth and it's like kissing a wall. Those have always translated to not having the chemistry I was wanting with a potential partner.
And then there's the ONE. The one who when I kissed him for the first time, I knew I was going to be in trouble. It was the perfect blend of aggressiveness, mixed with playfulness. Warm, soft, giving lips who took as much as they gave. Just the right hint of tongue. No gnashing of teeth, no tongue being forced down my throat. Soft gentle nibbles on the lip. Just a total melting into each other. Being pushed up against the car, feeling his body mold so perfectly into mine.
You see, the perfect kiss isn't just mouth and lips and tongue. It's the whole body. It's feeling his strong arms wrapping just right around me. It's reaching down and grabbing his belt loop and pulling his hips into mine. It's feeling how much he craves me. It's the buckling of the knees when he moves to that area just below the ear lobe for a quick feathery hot breath before coming back to end the kiss.
And now, 4 months later, that kiss gets me going every single time. I crave his arms pulling me to him, his lips on mine, his breath tasting like cigar and red wine. And last night was a new one. His lips, his tongue, his hot breath following up my spine, so softly you could barely feel it, making my back arch and sending chill bumps throughout my entire body.
He knows how to make me acquiesce, so easily and so completely. Just kiss me. And I'm all yours.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I Need....
What Do I Need From My Dominant?Jade Richardson 1997
I Want vs. I Need
We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it (I know that’s hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.
We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
Submissive Owner’s Manual
I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am . I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits . I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me . I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected . I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.
I need You to be my role-model . I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance . I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be
only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You . Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve set.
I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership . No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day, the day to celebrate being a mom and having a mom.
My biggest joy in life is being a mom. My children challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and show me more love than I ever could have imagined. When I'm upset there's nothing sweeter than to hear my 2 year old say "You sad Mommy? Mommy don't be sad, be happy." or for my 6 year old to climb in bed with me in the mornings and cuddle before we get ready for the day.
For many many years, I never thought that I would get to celebrate Mother's Day. For 4 years we tried to have a baby. We spent upwards of $40,000 on fertility treatments, went through more heartbreak than I ever knew possible, a miscarriage after a successful 1st IVF, a failed IVF cycle, a continual up and down emotional roller coaster ride, sex life in the toilet (being told when and how we could have sex got old FAST!), more poking and prodding with needles and then tests and more tests to try to find out what was wrong. They never did find out what was causing me not to get pregnant.
And then there were the Mother's Day that came and went. I stopped going to church on those Sundays because I couldn't bear to still be seated while all of the moms were standing and being acknowledged for the wonderful thing they had done. To get the "one day you'll be standing too" pity looks from our friends who knew about our struggle. I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard emotionally to be happy for another "oops...we weren't planning on this yet" baby. When my best friend had her baby I was there to see it all happen. I saw a miracle in front of my eyes. And then I walked out into the hallway and sat there and cried because it wasn't me in that room holding her newborn baby.
I contemplated killing myself. "If I just drove off that bridge, no one would miss me. I could make it look like an accident." Thankfully enough my husband recognized the depression and urged me to go to counseling. It helped. I told my husband more often than not "Just leave me and find a wife who can give you children." I felt like a total and utter failure as a wife and woman. I mean, I couldn't do what a 16 year old girl having sex for the first time and ooops....we forgot the condom could do.
And then our 3rd IVF worked. August 2, 2005 I found out I was pregnant and 8 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Just a short 6 weeks later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I went to church that morning and wouldn't you know it....they didn't acknowledge the mothers at all! But that was OK...I had my baby and life was good.
And now I have my precious baby girl who is so much like me it's scary and when she makes it to her teens...I'm in trouble! She's my miracle baby. A year of trying, a few months of fertility treatments, take a month off, go on vacation, have sex once in a 3 week time period and BAM....pregnant.
So I've seen both sides of the coin. The struggle and the surprise. And both mean just as much to me. I have days where I feel like I'm an awful mom and days where I feel like I totally rock at it. Days where I feel like my kids are going to drive me to the mental hospital and the next where I'm totally patient and nothing bothers me. Each day though, I know that I have these two precious children for a reason. God granted me the desire of my heart that I carried for so long. And for that, I celebrate getting to be a mom today. I am so blessed.
Now, just to remember that when my daughter has written all over the leather couch with a black sharpie marker!!
My biggest joy in life is being a mom. My children challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and show me more love than I ever could have imagined. When I'm upset there's nothing sweeter than to hear my 2 year old say "You sad Mommy? Mommy don't be sad, be happy." or for my 6 year old to climb in bed with me in the mornings and cuddle before we get ready for the day.
For many many years, I never thought that I would get to celebrate Mother's Day. For 4 years we tried to have a baby. We spent upwards of $40,000 on fertility treatments, went through more heartbreak than I ever knew possible, a miscarriage after a successful 1st IVF, a failed IVF cycle, a continual up and down emotional roller coaster ride, sex life in the toilet (being told when and how we could have sex got old FAST!), more poking and prodding with needles and then tests and more tests to try to find out what was wrong. They never did find out what was causing me not to get pregnant.
And then there were the Mother's Day that came and went. I stopped going to church on those Sundays because I couldn't bear to still be seated while all of the moms were standing and being acknowledged for the wonderful thing they had done. To get the "one day you'll be standing too" pity looks from our friends who knew about our struggle. I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard emotionally to be happy for another "oops...we weren't planning on this yet" baby. When my best friend had her baby I was there to see it all happen. I saw a miracle in front of my eyes. And then I walked out into the hallway and sat there and cried because it wasn't me in that room holding her newborn baby.
I contemplated killing myself. "If I just drove off that bridge, no one would miss me. I could make it look like an accident." Thankfully enough my husband recognized the depression and urged me to go to counseling. It helped. I told my husband more often than not "Just leave me and find a wife who can give you children." I felt like a total and utter failure as a wife and woman. I mean, I couldn't do what a 16 year old girl having sex for the first time and ooops....we forgot the condom could do.
And then our 3rd IVF worked. August 2, 2005 I found out I was pregnant and 8 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Just a short 6 weeks later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I went to church that morning and wouldn't you know it....they didn't acknowledge the mothers at all! But that was OK...I had my baby and life was good.
And now I have my precious baby girl who is so much like me it's scary and when she makes it to her teens...I'm in trouble! She's my miracle baby. A year of trying, a few months of fertility treatments, take a month off, go on vacation, have sex once in a 3 week time period and BAM....pregnant.
So I've seen both sides of the coin. The struggle and the surprise. And both mean just as much to me. I have days where I feel like I'm an awful mom and days where I feel like I totally rock at it. Days where I feel like my kids are going to drive me to the mental hospital and the next where I'm totally patient and nothing bothers me. Each day though, I know that I have these two precious children for a reason. God granted me the desire of my heart that I carried for so long. And for that, I celebrate getting to be a mom today. I am so blessed.
Now, just to remember that when my daughter has written all over the leather couch with a black sharpie marker!!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Heart or Mind?
Yesterday I needed to text my ex to ask him something for a friend and was surprised to get a text back that asked if he could call me. Ummmm...ok, go right ahead. He answered my question and then we got caught up on what's been going on the last few weeks with each of us in a very superficial "Hi, how ya doing" kind of way. He asked me where I was and I told him at the mall doing some shopping and he said that he needed to run by the mall also and could we meet for lunch. Ummmm....sure, why not. I told him to call when he got done and we'd figure out where to meet.
He called while I was finishing up my shopping, so I told him to meet me where I was so I could get his opinion on a couple of outfits that I was trying to decide on. He was there in a few minutes and gave me one of the biggest, warmest hugs I've gotten in a long time, from anyone. Things were very familiar and comfortable together, not like we had just "broken up" and hadn't seen each other in weeks. He helped me pick out a bathing suit and cocktail dress and we were off to lunch.
Lunch was, again, comfortable. More catching up, how are the kids, how's the spouse, ready for vacation, etc. And then I asked "So, are we going to talk about it?" So we did. I finally got some understanding of what had happened. When he found out that his step-daughter was pregnant, he felt like his life was spinning out of control and the one thing he could control was his reaction to me, so he closed up, shut me out and didn't want to deal with me anymore. That he just needed a few weeks to make sense of everything and then he would have been fine. I asked him "If things hadn't happened with your daughter, would we still be together?" and he said "Yes, I was very happy with everything between us."
So I went on and made sure he knew how I felt. I didn't beat around the bush, I just came out said "You broke my heart. You hurt me and I wonder if you ever really loved me in the first place." The look on his face when I told him that was one of pure grief. I think he knew in his heart that he had hurt me, but hearing me say it with such emphasis, kind of took him back I think. I told him how hurt I was that he wasn't around when I did the donation and that I felt like I had been really let down with part of my support system. He was really great and just let me talk and get it all out without being defensive or trying to make me feel bad for how I had been feeling.
We finished up lunch and walked back to the car. I apologized for the mean words I had said and he gave me a smack on the ass, that completely surprised me, and said that he had been looking forward for weeks to giving me that. Yes, I admit, I did deserve it. We got in my car and I took him back to his. He told me that he wanted to see me again so we could see where we stand and that if nothing else he still wanted to be friends. I told him that I don't know if I can do the "just friends" thing. He told me to think about what I want. Then he kissed me. And my god....the chemistry is still there. Physically, we have always been amazing together. The sex was always mind-blowing, the kissing always melted me. He got out and I drove off more confused than ever.
About an hour later I texted him and asked if he still loves me. He said yes, but not in the same way I love my husband or he loves his wife. And I asked him "Do you love me the same way as before everything happened?" He says back "I would say it's a little bit different, maybe because of some of the things that were said." I told him that maybe it was a good reality check for us. He asked if I thought that the chemistry would be different so I asked, "Did you think it was today when you kissed me?" He said that the chemistry is still there. And then he comes back with "I think it would be best, if we were to decide to see each other again, to be more D/s focused and less like lovers. I think that would allow for a little more separation from the day to day life." Then he had to leave and we didn't get to finish the conversation.
So now....where am I with everything? CONFUSED!!!! Part of me wants him back like no other, part of me wants to kick his ass to the curb. I want a relationship that has all parts in it....both the D/s and the lover aspect. I don't know if we can stick to just the D/s aspect of it. I want someone who sees me as their girlfriend, their lover, their confidant, their plaything, their slut to be used. I want the daily life interwoven with the playtime. I want to make love to him one day and be beat and used the next. I want to give my heart, mind, body and soul to him and I expect him to do the same. I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen when the next crisis comes along, because I can guarantee, another one is going to come along, probably sooner rather than later.
My mind is saying run, run away and don't look back, he's not going to give you what you need in a relationship. But my heart....I'm afraid my heart is going to get me in trouble and get me hurt again.
He called while I was finishing up my shopping, so I told him to meet me where I was so I could get his opinion on a couple of outfits that I was trying to decide on. He was there in a few minutes and gave me one of the biggest, warmest hugs I've gotten in a long time, from anyone. Things were very familiar and comfortable together, not like we had just "broken up" and hadn't seen each other in weeks. He helped me pick out a bathing suit and cocktail dress and we were off to lunch.
Lunch was, again, comfortable. More catching up, how are the kids, how's the spouse, ready for vacation, etc. And then I asked "So, are we going to talk about it?" So we did. I finally got some understanding of what had happened. When he found out that his step-daughter was pregnant, he felt like his life was spinning out of control and the one thing he could control was his reaction to me, so he closed up, shut me out and didn't want to deal with me anymore. That he just needed a few weeks to make sense of everything and then he would have been fine. I asked him "If things hadn't happened with your daughter, would we still be together?" and he said "Yes, I was very happy with everything between us."
So I went on and made sure he knew how I felt. I didn't beat around the bush, I just came out said "You broke my heart. You hurt me and I wonder if you ever really loved me in the first place." The look on his face when I told him that was one of pure grief. I think he knew in his heart that he had hurt me, but hearing me say it with such emphasis, kind of took him back I think. I told him how hurt I was that he wasn't around when I did the donation and that I felt like I had been really let down with part of my support system. He was really great and just let me talk and get it all out without being defensive or trying to make me feel bad for how I had been feeling.
We finished up lunch and walked back to the car. I apologized for the mean words I had said and he gave me a smack on the ass, that completely surprised me, and said that he had been looking forward for weeks to giving me that. Yes, I admit, I did deserve it. We got in my car and I took him back to his. He told me that he wanted to see me again so we could see where we stand and that if nothing else he still wanted to be friends. I told him that I don't know if I can do the "just friends" thing. He told me to think about what I want. Then he kissed me. And my god....the chemistry is still there. Physically, we have always been amazing together. The sex was always mind-blowing, the kissing always melted me. He got out and I drove off more confused than ever.
About an hour later I texted him and asked if he still loves me. He said yes, but not in the same way I love my husband or he loves his wife. And I asked him "Do you love me the same way as before everything happened?" He says back "I would say it's a little bit different, maybe because of some of the things that were said." I told him that maybe it was a good reality check for us. He asked if I thought that the chemistry would be different so I asked, "Did you think it was today when you kissed me?" He said that the chemistry is still there. And then he comes back with "I think it would be best, if we were to decide to see each other again, to be more D/s focused and less like lovers. I think that would allow for a little more separation from the day to day life." Then he had to leave and we didn't get to finish the conversation.
So now....where am I with everything? CONFUSED!!!! Part of me wants him back like no other, part of me wants to kick his ass to the curb. I want a relationship that has all parts in it....both the D/s and the lover aspect. I don't know if we can stick to just the D/s aspect of it. I want someone who sees me as their girlfriend, their lover, their confidant, their plaything, their slut to be used. I want the daily life interwoven with the playtime. I want to make love to him one day and be beat and used the next. I want to give my heart, mind, body and soul to him and I expect him to do the same. I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen when the next crisis comes along, because I can guarantee, another one is going to come along, probably sooner rather than later.
My mind is saying run, run away and don't look back, he's not going to give you what you need in a relationship. But my heart....I'm afraid my heart is going to get me in trouble and get me hurt again.
Time
"Don't be someone's down time, spare time, part time or some time....if they cannot be there for you all the time....then they are not even worth you time."
Oh how true this quote is.
Oh how true this quote is.
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Better Way To Do It
On one of the groups I am a member of, one of the members posted this. It sums it up perfectly:
Dear married beloveds,
Ok so the possibility is that someday you may decide you want to work on your marriage again.Thats the risk we take. We know they are there. We know they are a priority to you. Some of us may even understand if you need to leave us behind. But for what we have been to you, talk to us. Even though we know when you make that decision its going to hurt us, give us an option of being part of that decision making so we can support you .. or thank you....not to do it leaves us wounded and feeling like its our fault, something we did or didn't do. And God forbid, a text message leaves us in shock. The not knowing why hurts more than an honest goodbye..... we may be your secrets but we are worth your time even at the end.
I know its hard to say goodbye, but give us the way to grieve and end it.
Friday, May 4, 2012
I'm an ESTJ
This is SOOOOO me! I took the Myers Briggs test and it is definitely who I am.
Portrait of an ESTJ - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.
ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.
The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.
The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.
When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.
ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.
The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable.
While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.
Portrait of an ESTJ - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
(Extraverted Thinking with Introverted Sensing)
The Guardian
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.
ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.
The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.
The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.
When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.
ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.
The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable.
While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Selfishness
According to the dictionary, selfishness means:
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Am I a selfish person? As I sit here and look at my very bruised arms from the donation, I think to myself, how could a truly selfish person go through what I went through to save another person, a person that I don't and might never know? A selfish person would have said no, that it didn't benefit me any to do this. That it hurt to bad, that it took up too much of their own time, that it wasn't fun.
Am I selfish person? Aren't we all at some point? Even as a submissive, isn't there a little bit of selfishness in it? Don't I submit to another to get something back in return? To get that praise, that reward, that orgasm, that smile from your Dom. I might be serving another, but I don't give of everything I have, just to give it. Maybe that makes me a bad submissive.
I've actually read that selfishness is a trait that a submissive needs. I have an obligation to make my needs known and being met. My Dom can't read my mind. Subs are often highly attentive to others emotions and we sometimes take it for granted that others are just like us and just knows when our emotions are out of whack.
Or I can look at it this way. I am here to serve his needs and in doing so, my needs will be met. When he's feeling stressed, out of control with work or family, mentally or physically exhausted, or just needs time to himself, it is my job to give him what he needs. Sometimes that could mean just giving him space, not being needy, loving him when he needs it, backing off when he needs that also. When he's able to have his needs met in whatever way he needs it at that moment, then he, in turn, will also meet mine, when he is ready to. If I push him and let my selfish needs take over, it will become a vicious cycle. For some Doms, they will just shut down and for others, they will just push you away, sometimes for good.
So which way do I go? Do I serve all of his needs and wait for mine to be fulfilled or do I put my thoughts out there so he'll know and risk looking selfish? I think with each Dom it differs. Sometimes putting your needs out there can make them feel lacking as a Dom or sometimes it gives them a good "upside the head" moment and makes them realize that we're in this together. It's important to learn which way your Dom goes on that.
Unfortunately I learned this lesson too late. But at least I've learned it. Now I just have to make sure that I can remember this for my next Dom.
And speaking of my next Dom....he might be just around the corner.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Am I a selfish person? As I sit here and look at my very bruised arms from the donation, I think to myself, how could a truly selfish person go through what I went through to save another person, a person that I don't and might never know? A selfish person would have said no, that it didn't benefit me any to do this. That it hurt to bad, that it took up too much of their own time, that it wasn't fun.
Am I selfish person? Aren't we all at some point? Even as a submissive, isn't there a little bit of selfishness in it? Don't I submit to another to get something back in return? To get that praise, that reward, that orgasm, that smile from your Dom. I might be serving another, but I don't give of everything I have, just to give it. Maybe that makes me a bad submissive.
I've actually read that selfishness is a trait that a submissive needs. I have an obligation to make my needs known and being met. My Dom can't read my mind. Subs are often highly attentive to others emotions and we sometimes take it for granted that others are just like us and just knows when our emotions are out of whack.
Or I can look at it this way. I am here to serve his needs and in doing so, my needs will be met. When he's feeling stressed, out of control with work or family, mentally or physically exhausted, or just needs time to himself, it is my job to give him what he needs. Sometimes that could mean just giving him space, not being needy, loving him when he needs it, backing off when he needs that also. When he's able to have his needs met in whatever way he needs it at that moment, then he, in turn, will also meet mine, when he is ready to. If I push him and let my selfish needs take over, it will become a vicious cycle. For some Doms, they will just shut down and for others, they will just push you away, sometimes for good.
So which way do I go? Do I serve all of his needs and wait for mine to be fulfilled or do I put my thoughts out there so he'll know and risk looking selfish? I think with each Dom it differs. Sometimes putting your needs out there can make them feel lacking as a Dom or sometimes it gives them a good "upside the head" moment and makes them realize that we're in this together. It's important to learn which way your Dom goes on that.
Unfortunately I learned this lesson too late. But at least I've learned it. Now I just have to make sure that I can remember this for my next Dom.
And speaking of my next Dom....he might be just around the corner.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Donation Day
Yesterday was Donation Day. It was a long, emotional, tiring day.
I have crap veins so they had decided to try ultrasound guided placement of the needles needed for the donation. After 3 sticks, and about an hour, to get them in, I was taken down to the aphresis area where they would do the donation. When they went in to flush the veins to get the tubing hooked up, both of my veins had collapsed so I was sent back downstairs to get a central line in my groin placed. There was some tears when I found out they had to do the line. The nurses were so wonderful and really rallied around me and the Atavan they gave me helped me immensely.
Another hour later I was moved back up to the unit, hooked up to the machine and laid there for 4 hours while my blood was recirculated 6 times. I slept some and just hung out. I had the nurse in the room with me the whole time and she was just fabulous. We talked about me going to nursing school and she really encouraged me to think about working in hematology/oncology. I had always said that I would never want to do that, but now, I'm actually thinking about it.
When the donation was done, there was a courier there to pick up the marrow and stem cells and take them to the little girl who will need them. Another emotional moment. To actually see what my body had been working on for so hard for the 4 days prior and then to see it packed up and taken away was a tough moment. I wished it well and told it to go do good things and save this little girl.
So they take me down to have the central line removed and things start going even more downhill. The line came out fine but I started feeling really nauseous and my fingers started tingling. The nurses jumped into action and started ordering blood tests and doing a new IV. I started crying again when I found out I had to be stuck again. At this point I was just exhausted physically and mentally and I sent John out to call my parents to see if they could keep the kids again overnight. I literally laid there and cried that I just wanted to go home and I wanted my Mom. They checked my calcium levels and they were on the low side which was causing the tingling and nausea. I was given some Zofran so I slept and finally 2 hours later was allowed to head home. I was still feeling sick and ended up throwing up on the side of the road a few miles away from home. After that I felt so much better. Came home and just laid on the couch, ate some toast and popcorn and went to bed .
Would I do this again? Absolutely. Even with all of the complications I know that they were minimal compared to what this little girl had to go through. I am still mentally and physically exhausted so today is going to be spent on the couch, but to know that I saved a life yesterday....that buoys me and confirms that it really was all worth it.
I have crap veins so they had decided to try ultrasound guided placement of the needles needed for the donation. After 3 sticks, and about an hour, to get them in, I was taken down to the aphresis area where they would do the donation. When they went in to flush the veins to get the tubing hooked up, both of my veins had collapsed so I was sent back downstairs to get a central line in my groin placed. There was some tears when I found out they had to do the line. The nurses were so wonderful and really rallied around me and the Atavan they gave me helped me immensely.
Another hour later I was moved back up to the unit, hooked up to the machine and laid there for 4 hours while my blood was recirculated 6 times. I slept some and just hung out. I had the nurse in the room with me the whole time and she was just fabulous. We talked about me going to nursing school and she really encouraged me to think about working in hematology/oncology. I had always said that I would never want to do that, but now, I'm actually thinking about it.
When the donation was done, there was a courier there to pick up the marrow and stem cells and take them to the little girl who will need them. Another emotional moment. To actually see what my body had been working on for so hard for the 4 days prior and then to see it packed up and taken away was a tough moment. I wished it well and told it to go do good things and save this little girl.
So they take me down to have the central line removed and things start going even more downhill. The line came out fine but I started feeling really nauseous and my fingers started tingling. The nurses jumped into action and started ordering blood tests and doing a new IV. I started crying again when I found out I had to be stuck again. At this point I was just exhausted physically and mentally and I sent John out to call my parents to see if they could keep the kids again overnight. I literally laid there and cried that I just wanted to go home and I wanted my Mom. They checked my calcium levels and they were on the low side which was causing the tingling and nausea. I was given some Zofran so I slept and finally 2 hours later was allowed to head home. I was still feeling sick and ended up throwing up on the side of the road a few miles away from home. After that I felt so much better. Came home and just laid on the couch, ate some toast and popcorn and went to bed .
Would I do this again? Absolutely. Even with all of the complications I know that they were minimal compared to what this little girl had to go through. I am still mentally and physically exhausted so today is going to be spent on the couch, but to know that I saved a life yesterday....that buoys me and confirms that it really was all worth it.
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