Yesterday I needed to text my ex to ask him something for a friend and was surprised to get a text back that asked if he could call me. Ummmm...ok, go right ahead. He answered my question and then we got caught up on what's been going on the last few weeks with each of us in a very superficial "Hi, how ya doing" kind of way. He asked me where I was and I told him at the mall doing some shopping and he said that he needed to run by the mall also and could we meet for lunch. Ummmm....sure, why not. I told him to call when he got done and we'd figure out where to meet.
He called while I was finishing up my shopping, so I told him to meet me where I was so I could get his opinion on a couple of outfits that I was trying to decide on. He was there in a few minutes and gave me one of the biggest, warmest hugs I've gotten in a long time, from anyone. Things were very familiar and comfortable together, not like we had just "broken up" and hadn't seen each other in weeks. He helped me pick out a bathing suit and cocktail dress and we were off to lunch.
Lunch was, again, comfortable. More catching up, how are the kids, how's the spouse, ready for vacation, etc. And then I asked "So, are we going to talk about it?" So we did. I finally got some understanding of what had happened. When he found out that his step-daughter was pregnant, he felt like his life was spinning out of control and the one thing he could control was his reaction to me, so he closed up, shut me out and didn't want to deal with me anymore. That he just needed a few weeks to make sense of everything and then he would have been fine. I asked him "If things hadn't happened with your daughter, would we still be together?" and he said "Yes, I was very happy with everything between us."
So I went on and made sure he knew how I felt. I didn't beat around the bush, I just came out said "You broke my heart. You hurt me and I wonder if you ever really loved me in the first place." The look on his face when I told him that was one of pure grief. I think he knew in his heart that he had hurt me, but hearing me say it with such emphasis, kind of took him back I think. I told him how hurt I was that he wasn't around when I did the donation and that I felt like I had been really let down with part of my support system. He was really great and just let me talk and get it all out without being defensive or trying to make me feel bad for how I had been feeling.
We finished up lunch and walked back to the car. I apologized for the mean words I had said and he gave me a smack on the ass, that completely surprised me, and said that he had been looking forward for weeks to giving me that. Yes, I admit, I did deserve it. We got in my car and I took him back to his. He told me that he wanted to see me again so we could see where we stand and that if nothing else he still wanted to be friends. I told him that I don't know if I can do the "just friends" thing. He told me to think about what I want. Then he kissed me. And my god....the chemistry is still there. Physically, we have always been amazing together. The sex was always mind-blowing, the kissing always melted me. He got out and I drove off more confused than ever.
About an hour later I texted him and asked if he still loves me. He said yes, but not in the same way I love my husband or he loves his wife. And I asked him "Do you love me the same way as before everything happened?" He says back "I would say it's a little bit different, maybe because of some of the things that were said." I told him that maybe it was a good reality check for us. He asked if I thought that the chemistry would be different so I asked, "Did you think it was today when you kissed me?" He said that the chemistry is still there. And then he comes back with "I think it would be best, if we were to decide to see each other again, to be more D/s focused and less like lovers. I think that would allow for a little more separation from the day to day life." Then he had to leave and we didn't get to finish the conversation.
So now....where am I with everything? CONFUSED!!!! Part of me wants him back like no other, part of me wants to kick his ass to the curb. I want a relationship that has all parts in it....both the D/s and the lover aspect. I don't know if we can stick to just the D/s aspect of it. I want someone who sees me as their girlfriend, their lover, their confidant, their plaything, their slut to be used. I want the daily life interwoven with the playtime. I want to make love to him one day and be beat and used the next. I want to give my heart, mind, body and soul to him and I expect him to do the same. I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen when the next crisis comes along, because I can guarantee, another one is going to come along, probably sooner rather than later.
My mind is saying run, run away and don't look back, he's not going to give you what you need in a relationship. But my heart....I'm afraid my heart is going to get me in trouble and get me hurt again.
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