Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, the day to celebrate being a mom and having a mom.  


My biggest joy in life is being a mom.  My children challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and show me more love than I ever could have imagined.  When I'm upset there's nothing sweeter than to hear my 2 year old say "You sad Mommy?  Mommy don't be sad, be happy." or for my 6 year old to climb in bed with me in the mornings and cuddle before we get ready for the day.  


For many many years, I never thought that I would get to celebrate Mother's Day.  For 4 years we tried to have a baby.  We spent upwards of $40,000 on fertility treatments, went through more heartbreak than I ever knew possible, a miscarriage after a successful 1st IVF, a failed IVF cycle, a continual up and down emotional roller coaster ride, sex life in the toilet (being told when and how we could have sex got old FAST!), more poking and prodding with needles and then tests and more tests to try to find out what was wrong.  They never did find out what was causing me not to get pregnant.  


And then there were the Mother's Day that came and went.  I stopped going to church on those Sundays because I couldn't bear to still be seated while all of the moms were standing and being acknowledged for the wonderful thing they had done.  To get the "one day you'll be standing too" pity looks from our friends who knew about our struggle.  I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard emotionally to be happy for another "oops...we weren't planning on this yet" baby.  When my best friend had her baby I was there to see it all happen.  I saw a miracle in front of my eyes.  And then I walked out into the hallway and sat there and cried because it wasn't me in that room holding her newborn baby.  


I contemplated killing myself.  "If I just drove off that bridge, no one would miss me.  I could make it look like an accident."  Thankfully enough my husband recognized the depression and urged me to go to counseling.  It helped.  I told my husband more often than not "Just leave me and find a wife who can give you children."  I felt like a total and utter failure as a wife and woman.  I mean, I couldn't do what a 16 year old girl having sex for the first time and ooops....we forgot the condom could do.  


And then our 3rd IVF worked.  August 2, 2005 I found out I was pregnant and 8 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  Just a short 6 weeks later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  I went to church that morning and wouldn't you know it....they didn't acknowledge the mothers at all!  But that was OK...I had my baby and life was good.


And now I have my precious baby girl who is so much like me it's scary and when she makes it to her teens...I'm in trouble!  She's my miracle baby.  A year of trying, a few months of fertility treatments, take a month off, go on vacation, have sex once in a 3 week time period and BAM....pregnant.  


So I've seen both sides of the coin.  The struggle and the surprise.  And both mean just as much to me.  I have days where I feel like I'm an awful mom and days where I feel like I totally rock at it.  Days where I feel like my kids are going to drive me to the mental hospital and the next where I'm totally patient and nothing bothers me.  Each day though, I know that I have these two precious children for a reason.  God granted me the desire of my heart that I carried for so long.  And for that, I celebrate getting to be a mom today.  I am so blessed.  


Now, just to remember that when my daughter has written all over the leather couch with a black sharpie marker!!