A week ago today I got to spend some much needed time with C. I knew going in that I was going to be punished for cumming without permission but I also knew that we would cement our roles and that there would be much pleasure involved also.
I picked him up and we came back to my place. He was very quiet on the drive over and it made me wonder what exactly he had in store for me. We came inside and he pulled me to him with a wonderful kiss, telling me to head into the bedroom, strip, kneel and wait for him. He came in, got everything ready and placed my collar around my neck. I LOVE my collar. It's a simple brown dog collar with a purple heart tag that says "His Little One". It immediately puts me into the submissive mindset. He directs me to the bed, cuffs my wrists together and has me lean over. Time for my punishment. He starts with his hand, warming up my ass. About 10 in it starts stinging pretty bad. He moves on to the leather paddle. That thing packs a wallop. Alternating between the paddle, his hand and a riding crop, I start writhing, trying to get away. He has to keep pulling me back onto my stomach. All the while he's telling me "You stole something from me. I'm serious about this. Don't you ever doubt me". The last smack brought me to my knees. The wooden paddle. The dreaded wooden paddle. I was in tears at this point, begging him to stop. He picked me up, laying me gently on the bed telling me that it was over. That he was done. He left me for a few minutes and came back with a lotion that he rubbed into the new bruise.
Everything after that is kind of a blur. We spent a lot of time loving on each other and lots and lots of pleasure was had. He sent me into subspace and I apparently passed out from cumming so hard so many times.
At the end we were laying in bed talking and he started rubbing on me again. I had cum so many times that I was exhausted and didn't want to cum again. He started telling me to cum for him and I said "No" and fought him on it. I kept saying "No" over and over again, kept fighting him. He wasn't having it. He persisted until I had no fight left in me and proceeded to cum over and over again, every time he told me to. After I just broke down in tears. He was afraid that he had pushed too far, but he hadn't. It was what I needed. I needed that last little fight taken out of me. I needed him to push me and not let me say no. I needed to fully surrender to him without any sense of having a say in what he does to me. I needed him to take what is his and to own all of me, to make me his slave as he is my Master.
I just came to a huge realization as I'm writing all of this out. I am his slave. I don't want a say in what happens. I want him to own all of me. He's had my heart for months now, mostly all of me physically, but it's time to fully give him the rest of me also. It's time to fully give him my mind and my soul. I trust him enough to know that he will never hurt me, he will never betray me, he will always keep my interest in mind, but to know that everything I do is all for his pleasure, that is what I need. I want him to totally possess all of me and more importantly, I don't want a say in how that happens. I will follow him in whatever course is laid out for us.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Punishment
On Friday, I had a bad day. A really bad day. I was upset at my husband and couldn't have any contact with C because he was with his wife all day. We had gotten to talk for about 3 minutes before he was interrupted by her and had to hang up abruptly. I was feeling neglected and tossed aside. I started thinking irrationally and wanted some revenge and was thinking "you can't tell me what to do when you're not here". So I broke the number 1 rule that he had given me - No cumming without permission. I pulled out my favorite purple vibe and went to town. Within 5 minutes I had my orgasm and thought "That was nice but not great". It felt empty and left me wanting.
And then the guilt set in. The guilt of breaking one of his most important rules. I directly disobeyed him and it was like spitting in his face and saying "I don't care what you tell me, I'll do my own thing". He owns my orgasms and I stole one from him. It's not just about having an orgasm. It's about respecting his limits for me and knowing that he has a reason for having that restriction in place. It's about him owning every part of me; my heart, my mind, my soul and my body.
All of this completely ate me up inside and I sent him an email confessing to what I had done, knowing full well that I would be punished the next time I saw him.
We finally get to see each other on Monday and I know that I will be punished and I know that he will not be taking it easy on me. And I don't want him to. He is my Dom and my punisher for when I need it. With him not letting me off easy with just a slap on the wrist, or the ass as it might be, it will prove to me that he is my Dom and that he's serious about it. That he's the one in charge of me and that he WANTS to be the one in charge of me. And with that comes the respect I need to fully immerse myself as his submissive, as his little one.
I think up until now, even though I have been serious about being his submissive, that I have been hesitant to fully surrender myself to him. Reason being, I've had a couple of other Doms never take it seriously and until I'm able to know that my Dom is serious about this, I don't want to give all of myself with the thought of being horribly disappointed again.
I'm tired of holding back and not fully surrendering. I know who I want to fully surrender to and I know that he won't disappoint me.
And then the guilt set in. The guilt of breaking one of his most important rules. I directly disobeyed him and it was like spitting in his face and saying "I don't care what you tell me, I'll do my own thing". He owns my orgasms and I stole one from him. It's not just about having an orgasm. It's about respecting his limits for me and knowing that he has a reason for having that restriction in place. It's about him owning every part of me; my heart, my mind, my soul and my body.
All of this completely ate me up inside and I sent him an email confessing to what I had done, knowing full well that I would be punished the next time I saw him.
We finally get to see each other on Monday and I know that I will be punished and I know that he will not be taking it easy on me. And I don't want him to. He is my Dom and my punisher for when I need it. With him not letting me off easy with just a slap on the wrist, or the ass as it might be, it will prove to me that he is my Dom and that he's serious about it. That he's the one in charge of me and that he WANTS to be the one in charge of me. And with that comes the respect I need to fully immerse myself as his submissive, as his little one.
I think up until now, even though I have been serious about being his submissive, that I have been hesitant to fully surrender myself to him. Reason being, I've had a couple of other Doms never take it seriously and until I'm able to know that my Dom is serious about this, I don't want to give all of myself with the thought of being horribly disappointed again.
I'm tired of holding back and not fully surrendering. I know who I want to fully surrender to and I know that he won't disappoint me.
Friday, October 19, 2012
My New Love
So I guess it's time to update about the new man in my life. Back in August I wrote a blog about meeting him. Now, 2 months later, it's time to update about who he is and what he means to me.
C and I met on a kink website. We started out as friends with some comments back and forth on posts and pictures. That led to some emails, then IMs and finally talking on the phone. We found that we had a lot in common and were wanting the same thing in a relationship. His voice absolutely melted me and we decided to move forward. Before we even met in person, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to be with. The first hug, as soon as I stepped out of the car, just confirmed it. We had lunch then went to a park to just talk and spend some time together. We had feelings that were evolving before meeting and were cemented when he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him back.
From that first meeting, I have fallen further in love with this wonderful man. We have some obstacles of course. He is not in an open marriage and if his wife finds out, their marriage is over. That's a huge burden to carry. With our schedules not always meshing, we sometimes have to go a few weeks without seeing each other. When he's not at work, he's expected to be at home, which cuts down on opportunities to be together.
Except for those two major obstacles, we're making it work. He's amazing at making sure that I know how loved and wanted I am. That I know how much he wants to be with me when we can't be together. We try to talk every day and often for hours on end through both IM and phone on the days that he is working. He knows my darkest thoughts, my wants and needs. He reads me like a book sometimes and that can be scary. I'm able to lay all of myself out to him and he embraces it and loves it and encourages it.
He does the same for me. He lets me in and let's me see the bad with the good. The parts that he doesn't show other people because they'll judge him and see him as a bad person with bad intentions. He lets me see the dark places of his soul and to find that we have some of the same dark places feels freeing and like I'm not alone in how I feel a lot of the time.
He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, my Dom. He is the one I think of when I'm falling asleep and the first cognizant thought in the morning. I always reach for my phone very first thing in the morning to see if I have a message from him. He's the one my heart misses when it's been too many days apart, who my body craves, who my soul longs for. He is the only one I ever want to submit to. The only one who I want to take me down to the darkest depths of my soul and to know that he will explore and leave me safe and sound.
And the sex....oh wow. There are no words that can truly explain how amazingly amazing the sex is. He makes my body respond like no one ever has. He makes me crave things that I have never craved before. Feeling him bite my neck, the flogger as it falls across my ass and my back, the way my mind just shuts out everything but him and the sensations I'm feeling. Hearing his voice as he commands me to cum at the precise time that he wants me to. Feeling the flooding mess I make when looking deep into his eyes and without a single touch to my body, just feeling his hands hovering over me, and hearing his voice telling me "Cum for me, cum for me now".
My mind, my body, my soul is his. I've always said that my "secondary" would be my "for now" love. Not anymore. He is my "forever minus a day" love. We are both in this for the long haul. No matter what the future brings, we are in this together and we will love and support each other with all we have and all we are. I am hoping that one day he can be more of a part of my family. That my kids will come to know him as "Uncle C" and that we can grow into a truly poly family. Until that time, we continue as we are. We take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and we continue to grow as a vanilla couple and as a D/s couple. We still have a lot to learn about each other but I know that one day, I will wear his collar. And I will be so honored to truly be his.
C and I met on a kink website. We started out as friends with some comments back and forth on posts and pictures. That led to some emails, then IMs and finally talking on the phone. We found that we had a lot in common and were wanting the same thing in a relationship. His voice absolutely melted me and we decided to move forward. Before we even met in person, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to be with. The first hug, as soon as I stepped out of the car, just confirmed it. We had lunch then went to a park to just talk and spend some time together. We had feelings that were evolving before meeting and were cemented when he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him back.
From that first meeting, I have fallen further in love with this wonderful man. We have some obstacles of course. He is not in an open marriage and if his wife finds out, their marriage is over. That's a huge burden to carry. With our schedules not always meshing, we sometimes have to go a few weeks without seeing each other. When he's not at work, he's expected to be at home, which cuts down on opportunities to be together.
Except for those two major obstacles, we're making it work. He's amazing at making sure that I know how loved and wanted I am. That I know how much he wants to be with me when we can't be together. We try to talk every day and often for hours on end through both IM and phone on the days that he is working. He knows my darkest thoughts, my wants and needs. He reads me like a book sometimes and that can be scary. I'm able to lay all of myself out to him and he embraces it and loves it and encourages it.
He does the same for me. He lets me in and let's me see the bad with the good. The parts that he doesn't show other people because they'll judge him and see him as a bad person with bad intentions. He lets me see the dark places of his soul and to find that we have some of the same dark places feels freeing and like I'm not alone in how I feel a lot of the time.
He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, my Dom. He is the one I think of when I'm falling asleep and the first cognizant thought in the morning. I always reach for my phone very first thing in the morning to see if I have a message from him. He's the one my heart misses when it's been too many days apart, who my body craves, who my soul longs for. He is the only one I ever want to submit to. The only one who I want to take me down to the darkest depths of my soul and to know that he will explore and leave me safe and sound.
And the sex....oh wow. There are no words that can truly explain how amazingly amazing the sex is. He makes my body respond like no one ever has. He makes me crave things that I have never craved before. Feeling him bite my neck, the flogger as it falls across my ass and my back, the way my mind just shuts out everything but him and the sensations I'm feeling. Hearing his voice as he commands me to cum at the precise time that he wants me to. Feeling the flooding mess I make when looking deep into his eyes and without a single touch to my body, just feeling his hands hovering over me, and hearing his voice telling me "Cum for me, cum for me now".
My mind, my body, my soul is his. I've always said that my "secondary" would be my "for now" love. Not anymore. He is my "forever minus a day" love. We are both in this for the long haul. No matter what the future brings, we are in this together and we will love and support each other with all we have and all we are. I am hoping that one day he can be more of a part of my family. That my kids will come to know him as "Uncle C" and that we can grow into a truly poly family. Until that time, we continue as we are. We take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and we continue to grow as a vanilla couple and as a D/s couple. We still have a lot to learn about each other but I know that one day, I will wear his collar. And I will be so honored to truly be his.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Tired
I'm tired. I'm just so very tired.
I had an emergency hysterectomy 6 days ago. I'm healing very nicely, getting back to normal. Back to driving, climbing stairs very slowly at times, school work, being mom and wife. I think that everything is healing fine until I do something stupid, like pick my daughter up to put her in time out and jerk myself in the wrong direction and then I hurt. I really really pain-pill hurt. I'm only 6 days post-op from a major abdominal surgery. I have 4 incisions in my now rainbow colored bruised stomach. I AM NOT BACK TO NORMAL YET.
I'm getting so tired of having to rely on someone else to get something done around here. Tonight when I hurt myself, my husband was standing there while my daughter was completely ignoring me and being to start a temper tantrum. What is he doing??? Checking his email on his phone while I have to deal with it, standing not 8 feet away from her. Totally ignoring what was going on until I picked her up and put her in time out and then he says "Are you ok"? Do I LOOK ok as I'm grabbing at my lower abdomen because I feel something pull in a direction that it isn't supposed to be pulled in? Maybe if you had been paying attention to the situation instead of your fucking phone, you would have noticed what was going on.
Same situation with the household chores. He's blind and oblivious until I have to TELL him to do something. I can't lift anything, I can't do a lot of bending. All of that means that I can't do the laundry, empty or load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, pick up my daughter, give her a bath leaning over the tub. So why, last night, did I have to do all of these??? He started a load of laundry, but have any of it been folded? No, still sitting in the basket on the floor of the laundry room 2 days later. I can't lift the damn basket to carry it into the living room and I can't bend over and pull each piece out of the basket to fold everything.
I'm just frustrated. I feel like if I ask him to do something, that I get negative feedback, so instead I do it myself and end up worn out and pissed off that I'm not getting the help I need. I realize that I do 95% of the chores around here and that he works full-time and that he's not used to having to do much of anything around here. But these aren't normal times! I just had my reproductive organs taken out of my body 6 days ago! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!!!
And then I have an exam coming up in two days that I've been studying my ass off for. I'm trying to maintain an "A" average, but at this point, I just don't care. I'm too tired to care.
I just want to be healed and back to normal again. And I know that I will be soon. But soon can't get here fast enough.
I had an emergency hysterectomy 6 days ago. I'm healing very nicely, getting back to normal. Back to driving, climbing stairs very slowly at times, school work, being mom and wife. I think that everything is healing fine until I do something stupid, like pick my daughter up to put her in time out and jerk myself in the wrong direction and then I hurt. I really really pain-pill hurt. I'm only 6 days post-op from a major abdominal surgery. I have 4 incisions in my now rainbow colored bruised stomach. I AM NOT BACK TO NORMAL YET.
I'm getting so tired of having to rely on someone else to get something done around here. Tonight when I hurt myself, my husband was standing there while my daughter was completely ignoring me and being to start a temper tantrum. What is he doing??? Checking his email on his phone while I have to deal with it, standing not 8 feet away from her. Totally ignoring what was going on until I picked her up and put her in time out and then he says "Are you ok"? Do I LOOK ok as I'm grabbing at my lower abdomen because I feel something pull in a direction that it isn't supposed to be pulled in? Maybe if you had been paying attention to the situation instead of your fucking phone, you would have noticed what was going on.
Same situation with the household chores. He's blind and oblivious until I have to TELL him to do something. I can't lift anything, I can't do a lot of bending. All of that means that I can't do the laundry, empty or load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, pick up my daughter, give her a bath leaning over the tub. So why, last night, did I have to do all of these??? He started a load of laundry, but have any of it been folded? No, still sitting in the basket on the floor of the laundry room 2 days later. I can't lift the damn basket to carry it into the living room and I can't bend over and pull each piece out of the basket to fold everything.
I'm just frustrated. I feel like if I ask him to do something, that I get negative feedback, so instead I do it myself and end up worn out and pissed off that I'm not getting the help I need. I realize that I do 95% of the chores around here and that he works full-time and that he's not used to having to do much of anything around here. But these aren't normal times! I just had my reproductive organs taken out of my body 6 days ago! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!!!
And then I have an exam coming up in two days that I've been studying my ass off for. I'm trying to maintain an "A" average, but at this point, I just don't care. I'm too tired to care.
I just want to be healed and back to normal again. And I know that I will be soon. But soon can't get here fast enough.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Why Am I Here?
This weekend I've been struggling with what my place is in this crazy world of poly, open marriage and kink.
I posted a journal entry on one of the websites that I'm on about being called a "home wrecker" and I got some harsh replies. I wasn't really expecting everyone to give me a high five, but I wasn't really ready for the harshness either.
What got me was when someone commented with this: "Personally I look long term, not short term. I chose not to harm another's relationships. I prefer they get their own life in order before they enter into mine. If I miss out in play, that's fine cause my emotional/energetic/spiritual/physical integrity is worth it." So my integrity is now being questioned. I know it's wrong to be with a married man but I didn't CAUSE him to have an affair, but i'm not being the upstanding moral person that I'm supposed to be by putting a stop to it. So now all of my religious convictions are kicking in, because i haven't been back in church since we moved here and i'm dealing with "Is God telling me to get out?".
And then I talked to a dear sweet friend tonight and she's made me see that it's ok. She said "You are a beautiful soul who has been given the chance to love and bring some joy to my really really good friends life". That maybe I'm the support he needs to make some difficult decisions. That maybe I was put into his life for a reason. To be able to show him a love that has no limits and wants nothing in return. To show him that what he's wanting in his life is attainable.
I'm feeling better tonight. I'm feeling renewed and confident that I'm in his life for a reason and that he's in mine for a reason.
I didn't look for this to happen. I didn't look to fall in love with a married man. But I did. And one day I will answer for it I'm sure. But for right now, I will be that support he needs, that friend who is there for him and that lover he can take as his own.
I posted a journal entry on one of the websites that I'm on about being called a "home wrecker" and I got some harsh replies. I wasn't really expecting everyone to give me a high five, but I wasn't really ready for the harshness either.
I started questioning my moral and spiritual integrity. The thing that I don't get is that I've been with married men before, a lot of married men, whose wives had no idea and it never bothered me until now, I think, because no one has ever said "You're a bad person for this".
What got me was when someone commented with this: "Personally I look long term, not short term. I chose not to harm another's relationships. I prefer they get their own life in order before they enter into mine. If I miss out in play, that's fine cause my emotional/energetic/spiritual/physical integrity is worth it." So my integrity is now being questioned. I know it's wrong to be with a married man but I didn't CAUSE him to have an affair, but i'm not being the upstanding moral person that I'm supposed to be by putting a stop to it. So now all of my religious convictions are kicking in, because i haven't been back in church since we moved here and i'm dealing with "Is God telling me to get out?".
And then I talked to a dear sweet friend tonight and she's made me see that it's ok. She said "You are a beautiful soul who has been given the chance to love and bring some joy to my really really good friends life". That maybe I'm the support he needs to make some difficult decisions. That maybe I was put into his life for a reason. To be able to show him a love that has no limits and wants nothing in return. To show him that what he's wanting in his life is attainable.
I'm feeling better tonight. I'm feeling renewed and confident that I'm in his life for a reason and that he's in mine for a reason.
I didn't look for this to happen. I didn't look to fall in love with a married man. But I did. And one day I will answer for it I'm sure. But for right now, I will be that support he needs, that friend who is there for him and that lover he can take as his own.
Friday, October 5, 2012
It's the Weekend
What a whirlwind of a week it has been. Great news, not so great news.
Great news: I got in to nursing school!! I was confident that I would, but fearful that I wouldn't. If I didn't make it in, then what? Be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life? I love my kids, but I feel like I'm slipping away into a useless space-taker sometimes. Like I don't have a direction, or a purpose. At least I've had something to work towards the last few months. A new career. What if I didn't have that to look forward to? I really can't imagine just being a mom. I'm sure I'd find something, but nothing like having a fulfilling career doing something I've been wanting to do since I was 18. So now the excitement begins. Time for more learning and challenging myself.
Not so great news: Hysterectomy in my future. Looking at mid-November or late October. All of my lady parts appear to be broken and the best way to fix them is to remove them. It's going to fix all of my problems, which I'm thrilled about. However, I feel like part of my "womanhood" is being taken away from me. Even though we're done having kids and I don't need my parts anymore, it's still what makes me a woman. Yes, logically I know that removing a uterus doesn't make me less of a woman, but emotionally....other story. These are the parts that carried two children while they were growing inside of me. That protected them and kept them safe for 9 months. That gave me hell when they decided not to work correctly and almost caused my son to show up 10 weeks early. These are the parts that every month I curse because of all of the pain and trouble they give me. But to just take them out and throw them away? It saddens me.
The good is taken with the bad, the happy with the sad. You can't have the highs without having the lows. At least I know that I have 2 wonderfully fantastic men who love me, and I them, completely and will be with me every step of the way.
Great news: I got in to nursing school!! I was confident that I would, but fearful that I wouldn't. If I didn't make it in, then what? Be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life? I love my kids, but I feel like I'm slipping away into a useless space-taker sometimes. Like I don't have a direction, or a purpose. At least I've had something to work towards the last few months. A new career. What if I didn't have that to look forward to? I really can't imagine just being a mom. I'm sure I'd find something, but nothing like having a fulfilling career doing something I've been wanting to do since I was 18. So now the excitement begins. Time for more learning and challenging myself.
Not so great news: Hysterectomy in my future. Looking at mid-November or late October. All of my lady parts appear to be broken and the best way to fix them is to remove them. It's going to fix all of my problems, which I'm thrilled about. However, I feel like part of my "womanhood" is being taken away from me. Even though we're done having kids and I don't need my parts anymore, it's still what makes me a woman. Yes, logically I know that removing a uterus doesn't make me less of a woman, but emotionally....other story. These are the parts that carried two children while they were growing inside of me. That protected them and kept them safe for 9 months. That gave me hell when they decided not to work correctly and almost caused my son to show up 10 weeks early. These are the parts that every month I curse because of all of the pain and trouble they give me. But to just take them out and throw them away? It saddens me.
The good is taken with the bad, the happy with the sad. You can't have the highs without having the lows. At least I know that I have 2 wonderfully fantastic men who love me, and I them, completely and will be with me every step of the way.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
New Beginnings are Scary
It all started with one word..."cute". What the hell does "cute" mean? According to him it meant that it was his way of telling me what I was attractive without it sounding like a come on. Over the next few months there were comments made to pictures, left in threads, a few emails here and there and some flirting. I was involved with someone else, so it never went any further. Then a few weeks ago it got more intense with the flirting. Lots of innuendo and play on words. I became the "Member of the Moment" on the board we were both on. The questions were intense, probing, wanting to know more. From that came an email, not wanting to hijack the thread, but saying he understood what I was talking about with my marriage. It just took off. We started talking on IM and found that we were what the other person had been waiting for. When I wasn't expecting it or looking for it, he was there, just waiting for me to open my eyes and see it.
So now comes the scary part. We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work? He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world. If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over. How do I deal with that? I don't want to be a homewrecker. I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage. He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it. But how do I not?
What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive? That she wants with him what I already have with him? I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to. Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.
I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again. So what do I do? I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest. I don't let him see how invested I really am. How I fully feel. I don't want to be like that! I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel! I did that before and got crushed. I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore. That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you". I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.
I'm scared that this is too good to be true. That it's getting too intense too quickly. That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person. That we're building it up just to be let down.
So what do I do? I lean on him. I let him carry me when I'm doubting. I carry him when it gets tough on his end. I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive. I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us. And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing. I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open. I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.
So now comes the scary part. We found the person we want to be with and now how do we make it work? He's in a marriage that he wants to be in with a wife that he loves dearly and a child that is his world. If she finds out, that wonderful life that he has worked so hard to build, is over. How do I deal with that? I don't want to be a homewrecker. I don't want to be the woman who ended a marriage. He ensures me that I don't need to worry about it. But how do I not?
What if she decides over time that she really is ready to be submissive? That she wants with him what I already have with him? I've told him that his marriage and his wife are to always be his priority, but that doesn't mean that I can just easily let go if I have to. Let go....if I have to I will, but I'm not going to like it or be happy with it.
I'm scared that my heart is going to end up broken again. So what do I do? I fall hard but I keep it close to my chest. I don't let him see how invested I really am. How I fully feel. I don't want to be like that! I want to be able to yell it from the top of the mountain how I feel! I did that before and got crushed. I'm scared that when things get tough that he's not going to want me anymore. That when real life really kicks in, that he's going to say "It's not fun anymore", "You're too difficult to deal with", "I can't handle both of you". I'm protecting myself but I know that he'll be patient enough with me to break down those barriers and really see all of me and want me anyway.
I'm scared that this is too good to be true. That it's getting too intense too quickly. That when we meet it won't be as wonderful in person. That we're building it up just to be let down.
So what do I do? I lean on him. I let him carry me when I'm doubting. I carry him when it gets tough on his end. I become his lover, his confidant, his friend, his submissive. I trust that he will always know what's best for me and for us. And if that day comes where we have to end, I do so in the knowledge that what we had together was special and wonderful and life-changing. I go into this with my eyes wide open but most importantly with my heart open. I just ask him to be patient with me, to allow me to work into this, to challenge me, to care for me and to one day, one day, to love me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
What Does Love and Hurt Teach?
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you... your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman
Why do we put ourselves out there so another can rip us apart? So another can take that little glass splinter and work it into our heart and hurt us and make us bleed? How can a hurt be so physically painful at times?
Those were questions I never had to ask myself before I met M. Now they're questions I have to answer. Unfortunately I don't really know how to answer them. I gave him a piece of me, I let him inside my heart and my soul. I trusted him enough not to hurt me. And that's exactly what he did.
It's been almost 7 weeks since we've seen each other. And you know what? I'm stronger than I was before. Pain and hurt teaches you, just as much as love does. Love taught me that I can let someone into my heart that I wasn't planning on. It taught me that my heart is big enough for more than one person in my life. And what did the pain and hurt teach me? That I'm a strong person. That I can get back up and move on with my life, grateful for the time we had together. That no one, NO ONE, can make me a person that I'm not supposed to be. No one can beat me down unless I let them. No one can make me feel worthless unless I let them.
I'm a strong, independent, confidant woman. And I am so blessed, yes blessed, that I was taught these things the hard way. Because of him, I grew as a person, I grew as a wife and I grew as a submissive.
So thank you M....thank you for loving me and for hurting me. I am a stronger person today because of it.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Wanted You More
Have you ever had a song that just spoke to you in that moment when you really really needed it to? I had that happen this week.
Since W and I ended things earlier this week, I've had an increasing need to contact M. I think over time you forget the bad and remember the good, unless it was really really bad. I've been missing him and the physical connection and to an extent the mental connection also. Apparently all that eclipses the fact that he told me that I should try something like sales instead of nursing because I have a "great smile and big tits" and that he told me to "get dressed and get the fuck out" the last time I saw him. Apparently the fact that he didn't like the way I took care of my house, the way I drove, the way I did most things, is forgotten by the fact that he told me over and over again how amazing I was in bed.
So I broke down and emailed him. Pretty much it just said that I'm sorry for how things ended and I wish you the best. And then I waited with baited breath to hear back from him. And he did and it said that he felt bad for how things ended as well and maybe we can get together for lunch.
And then I heard this song the same day. "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum. One of my favorite groups by the way. And it hit me. I don't want to get back together with him. I want closure. I want to know why he treated me the way he did and why he said the things he did. I am ready to move on from him and from how I was treated.
"I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No I never, saw it comin'
Somethin' in you
Must have changed"
"My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind."
I wasn't a priority, I was an option. I don't deserve that and I'm not going to be that for anyone again. Yes, life gets in the way. But someone who truly wants a relationship with me, has to keep me off of the back burner. It's that simple really. I'm not going to want anyone more than they want me. It's a two-way street.
"I don't need you
I don't need you anymore"
Since W and I ended things earlier this week, I've had an increasing need to contact M. I think over time you forget the bad and remember the good, unless it was really really bad. I've been missing him and the physical connection and to an extent the mental connection also. Apparently all that eclipses the fact that he told me that I should try something like sales instead of nursing because I have a "great smile and big tits" and that he told me to "get dressed and get the fuck out" the last time I saw him. Apparently the fact that he didn't like the way I took care of my house, the way I drove, the way I did most things, is forgotten by the fact that he told me over and over again how amazing I was in bed.
So I broke down and emailed him. Pretty much it just said that I'm sorry for how things ended and I wish you the best. And then I waited with baited breath to hear back from him. And he did and it said that he felt bad for how things ended as well and maybe we can get together for lunch.
And then I heard this song the same day. "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum. One of my favorite groups by the way. And it hit me. I don't want to get back together with him. I want closure. I want to know why he treated me the way he did and why he said the things he did. I am ready to move on from him and from how I was treated.
"I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No I never, saw it comin'
Somethin' in you
Must have changed"
When I don't know why something happened, it plagues me. "What did I do. What did I not do. What happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about it."
"My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind."
I wasn't a priority, I was an option. I don't deserve that and I'm not going to be that for anyone again. Yes, life gets in the way. But someone who truly wants a relationship with me, has to keep me off of the back burner. It's that simple really. I'm not going to want anyone more than they want me. It's a two-way street.
"I don't need you
I don't need you anymore"
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
When
So the "perfect Dom" is apparently a myth. I thought I had found him, but apparently I was being played.
When am I going to find that guy who is what I need and what I want? I never thought it would be so difficult. I've done married and now single. Neither of those worked out. Maybe I need to find a divorced guy now.
Maybe I just need to stop looking period. They always say the one for you will fall in your lap when it's least expected or when you stop looking. Maybe....who knows.
I'm just tired of the game. I'm tired of the broken promises, the empty words, the untruths, the drama, the games. I'm just tired.
When am I going to find that guy who is what I need and what I want? I never thought it would be so difficult. I've done married and now single. Neither of those worked out. Maybe I need to find a divorced guy now.
Maybe I just need to stop looking period. They always say the one for you will fall in your lap when it's least expected or when you stop looking. Maybe....who knows.
I'm just tired of the game. I'm tired of the broken promises, the empty words, the untruths, the drama, the games. I'm just tired.
Monday, July 2, 2012
School's Out For Summer
Singing this in my head thanks to Alice Cooper and am I ever so glad that it is! I've got the next two months off and then heading back to take A&P II in the fall. I made an A in my summer class! I figured out that I can do anything that I set my mind too and if I surround myself with people who love, support and care for me, that I can touch the stars. It was a tough month with no life, but I did it and I'm so proud of myself.
So summer is here for me. What am I going to do??? Enjoy being mom until my son heads back to school in 4 1/2 weeks. I can't believe that summer is just starting for me but half-way over for him! My daughter goes back after Labor Day, so she'll get a few weeks of one-on-one Mommy time.
I'm also going to get to spend some much needed time with my new Dom. Things are going very very well with him. I'm still a little hesitant to put myself out there too much thanks to Asshole (yes, my new name for my last Dom). I'm just trying to take it slowly and make sure I don't get burned again. Right now, in NRE, it's truly wonderful. But happens when the NRE wears off? I have some reservations about him being single. He's the first single guy I've been with and I don't want to tie him down to me when he can be with a woman who can give him a future. As he's told me, it's not an issue. But what happens if 6 months, a year, two years down the line, when I'm fully vested in this relationship and completely in love with him, he wants someone who can give him a marriage and children? Someone who he can grow old with? I'm not leaving my husband, who is my "forever love" to start a new life with someone else. So I get hurt, again. He finds a woman who can give him everything and I'm left picking up my heart again. I guess it's a chance you take in any relationship. I have to trust him that he's never going to intentionally hurt me. He told me yesterday that he promises to be overly honest with me and protect me. That I'm his girl and he takes that seriously. I have to trust that. That's all I can do.
So summer is here for me. What am I going to do??? Enjoy being mom until my son heads back to school in 4 1/2 weeks. I can't believe that summer is just starting for me but half-way over for him! My daughter goes back after Labor Day, so she'll get a few weeks of one-on-one Mommy time.
I'm also going to get to spend some much needed time with my new Dom. Things are going very very well with him. I'm still a little hesitant to put myself out there too much thanks to Asshole (yes, my new name for my last Dom). I'm just trying to take it slowly and make sure I don't get burned again. Right now, in NRE, it's truly wonderful. But happens when the NRE wears off? I have some reservations about him being single. He's the first single guy I've been with and I don't want to tie him down to me when he can be with a woman who can give him a future. As he's told me, it's not an issue. But what happens if 6 months, a year, two years down the line, when I'm fully vested in this relationship and completely in love with him, he wants someone who can give him a marriage and children? Someone who he can grow old with? I'm not leaving my husband, who is my "forever love" to start a new life with someone else. So I get hurt, again. He finds a woman who can give him everything and I'm left picking up my heart again. I guess it's a chance you take in any relationship. I have to trust him that he's never going to intentionally hurt me. He told me yesterday that he promises to be overly honest with me and protect me. That I'm his girl and he takes that seriously. I have to trust that. That's all I can do.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Chaos Can Be Good
So I'm slowly swimming back to the surface again. I've got two weeks of school behind me, two to go. So far have an "A" average and hoping that it stays that way! Life right now is full of studying, kids and family. I'm studying just as hard now, but better I think. Learning to juggle everything is a trick, but I can do it.
My best friend and her daughter came up to see me this weekend. Wasn't the best timing, but it was a very needed break. It was great to focus on something besides just school for a day. We did a lot of shopping and a lot of eating....two of my favorite things!
I've met someone new. He seems to be what I've been looking for in both a Dom and a "boyfriend". He's really trying to get to know me on all levels and trying to figure out what makes me tick and why. He's given me some thought-provoking tasks along with some fun ones. We had instant chemistry when we met in person last week. When he walked in the door, I was hooked. He's handsome and looked way better than he did in his pictures. I stood up to greet him and we somehow ended up kissing hello. Two short quick pecks, but totally out of character for me! I could feel his dominance immediately. I think even if I didn't know going in that he was Dom, that I would have picked up on it pretty quickly. It was all very subtle, yet still there. It was in the way he held my hand, the way he pulled me to him to whisper something naughty in my ear, the way he looked at me. We talked for about an hour and I could have sat there and talked another hour very easily. When it was time to leave, he walked me to my car and he kissed me a little less chastely this time and it just made me want more. We've agreed to take it slow so that it doesn't turn into a purely sexual relationship. We both want something long-term and meaningful. Since last week it's been a pretty steady stream of texts, emails and phone conversations. I'm seeing him later this week again!
I've learned that my husband is chatting with a girl that he used to know through work. She's apparently sub also and they've been exploring that side of her. I'm glad for him. He really needs someone steady that he can focus on also. I always feel bad that I have someone and he doesn't, like I'm always having the fun while he watches from the sidelines.
OK...time to study again. Knowing that I made an "A" on my exam has pushed me to keep at it!
My best friend and her daughter came up to see me this weekend. Wasn't the best timing, but it was a very needed break. It was great to focus on something besides just school for a day. We did a lot of shopping and a lot of eating....two of my favorite things!
I've met someone new. He seems to be what I've been looking for in both a Dom and a "boyfriend". He's really trying to get to know me on all levels and trying to figure out what makes me tick and why. He's given me some thought-provoking tasks along with some fun ones. We had instant chemistry when we met in person last week. When he walked in the door, I was hooked. He's handsome and looked way better than he did in his pictures. I stood up to greet him and we somehow ended up kissing hello. Two short quick pecks, but totally out of character for me! I could feel his dominance immediately. I think even if I didn't know going in that he was Dom, that I would have picked up on it pretty quickly. It was all very subtle, yet still there. It was in the way he held my hand, the way he pulled me to him to whisper something naughty in my ear, the way he looked at me. We talked for about an hour and I could have sat there and talked another hour very easily. When it was time to leave, he walked me to my car and he kissed me a little less chastely this time and it just made me want more. We've agreed to take it slow so that it doesn't turn into a purely sexual relationship. We both want something long-term and meaningful. Since last week it's been a pretty steady stream of texts, emails and phone conversations. I'm seeing him later this week again!
I've learned that my husband is chatting with a girl that he used to know through work. She's apparently sub also and they've been exploring that side of her. I'm glad for him. He really needs someone steady that he can focus on also. I always feel bad that I have someone and he doesn't, like I'm always having the fun while he watches from the sidelines.
OK...time to study again. Knowing that I made an "A" on my exam has pushed me to keep at it!
If You're Going to Fuck Me
Read this today and loved it! I've been fortunate that the guys I've met have always been mature and respectful of my body and of me in bed.
I am very fair skinned and I've finally come to appreciate it and love it along with my c-section scar and stretch marks. I'm a mother of two precious children and my body is what it is today because of them. I have some extra flab that someone who didn't have kids has and I have flabbier boobs now than I did pre-kids. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying sex and what it is and how it works and the total enjoyment I get from it. Sex with me is pretty damn amazing from what I've been told....white skin, scars, noises and all.
"You’re going to have to like my pasty white skin. I’m not tanning it, it might blind you. Enjoy.
Deal with the fact I don’t bath in roses and bleach every five minutes. Girls sweat too.
My fat. My cellulite. My stomach. All of these things are going to be bouncing around. Better be to your enjoyment because it’s going to be to mine.
You have to be able to say vagina. I hate when people can’t say vagina. If you can’t say it, you’re not getting in it.
My noises. I make them. They’re high pitch, sometimes they’re loud. And I’m not monitoring them.
My stretch marks are my tiger stripes. I love them, and so will you.
My acne. It’s there despite me not being fifteen anymore. You can’t catch it, and it doesn’t prevent me from sucking a mean cock.
This isn’t the movies. Sometimes I don’t wear make up, sometimes I don’t wear perfume, sometimes I don’t shave.
But I’m going to fuck with the lights on. I’m going to cum while looking into your eyes. And the only way you’ll be fucking me with my clothes on is if it’s a quickie behind some tree or building.
I’m not fucking you to judge you. You shouldn’t be judging me either."
I am very fair skinned and I've finally come to appreciate it and love it along with my c-section scar and stretch marks. I'm a mother of two precious children and my body is what it is today because of them. I have some extra flab that someone who didn't have kids has and I have flabbier boobs now than I did pre-kids. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying sex and what it is and how it works and the total enjoyment I get from it. Sex with me is pretty damn amazing from what I've been told....white skin, scars, noises and all.
"You’re going to have to like my pasty white skin. I’m not tanning it, it might blind you. Enjoy.
Deal with the fact I don’t bath in roses and bleach every five minutes. Girls sweat too.
My fat. My cellulite. My stomach. All of these things are going to be bouncing around. Better be to your enjoyment because it’s going to be to mine.
You have to be able to say vagina. I hate when people can’t say vagina. If you can’t say it, you’re not getting in it.
My noises. I make them. They’re high pitch, sometimes they’re loud. And I’m not monitoring them.
My stretch marks are my tiger stripes. I love them, and so will you.
My acne. It’s there despite me not being fifteen anymore. You can’t catch it, and it doesn’t prevent me from sucking a mean cock.
This isn’t the movies. Sometimes I don’t wear make up, sometimes I don’t wear perfume, sometimes I don’t shave.
But I’m going to fuck with the lights on. I’m going to cum while looking into your eyes. And the only way you’ll be fucking me with my clothes on is if it’s a quickie behind some tree or building.
I’m not fucking you to judge you. You shouldn’t be judging me either."
Saturday, June 9, 2012
It's Over - Part Deux
I just walked out on him. He told me to get dressed and get the fuck out so I did. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I can't do just sex. I tried and I can't. With any other man I could, but not with him. I can't forget the feelings that I had for him and just push them down and squash them. If he can't love me, then I've got to learn how to stop loving him. I feel incredibly empty right now.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
School
I started back to school this week. It was the first time in 14 years that I've stepped back into a classroom. Let me just say....what the HELL was I thinking??? I'm going from no school to 20 hours of classroom lecture and lab. I'm in class 4 days a week, 5 hours a day and then I have studying on top of that. I am overwhelmed, nervous and flat out scared. I have no time for anything right now except for studying and classes. The only time I see my husband is first thing in the morning, at dinner and at bedtime. I fit studying into where ever I can. Breakfast, book is open in front of me. Waiting to meet a friend to go to the lab, book is open in front of me. Husband takes kids for a walk after dinner, I'm on the couch with a highlighter in hand.
So you're probably asking, so how does she have time to sit and type this out? Because I needed a brain break before I break! SOOOO much information to remember in such a short amount of time and my brain is overwhelmed. Everything is running together now. I'm trying to read about cellular formation and what makes up a cell and how it functions and what process transports what and it's just one big jumbled mess of information right now.
4 weeks of this. I can do anything for a month....right? God I hope so. This class will decide whether or not I get into nursing school. So yeah...no pressure at all. I truly must be a masochist.
So you're probably asking, so how does she have time to sit and type this out? Because I needed a brain break before I break! SOOOO much information to remember in such a short amount of time and my brain is overwhelmed. Everything is running together now. I'm trying to read about cellular formation and what makes up a cell and how it functions and what process transports what and it's just one big jumbled mess of information right now.
4 weeks of this. I can do anything for a month....right? God I hope so. This class will decide whether or not I get into nursing school. So yeah...no pressure at all. I truly must be a masochist.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Seven Things I Need From My Dominant
| A submissive serves her/his Dominant. No question. What he/she needs, he/she gets. A submissive is always being watched. Rest assured however that submissives have needs in a relationship as well. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know what this submissive needs, and I have a feeling it isn’t all that unique to me. 1. Your time. If you can’t be with me, talk, text, instant message, or send smoke signals fairly frequently then you aren’t for me. I need to know I am on your mind and you want to be near me. It isn’t just common knowledge, and it never will be, no matter how hard you have tried to make it so. 2. Your attention. If you can’t listen to the little details of my life and make contributions that are useful (even if they aren’t what I want to hear), then you aren’t for me. I need to know that what matters to me today, tomorrow, or next week, also matters to you. Whatever it is may be a silly thing in your mind, but it’s my thing, and it’s important to me. 3. Your consistency. If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them. 4. Your honesty. If you can’t tell me the truth, all the time, every time, then you aren’t for me. I do not lie to you, even when I really want to, and I expect the same courtesy. If you are always honest with me, even about the little things I don’t even know I should ask you, I will find it easier to believe the harder stuff. 5. Your trust. If you can’t trust me to know my limits, when we reach them, and to let you know, then you aren’t for me. I trust you to take me new places, but you have to go with me too, and sometimes those places are also new to you. Let’s go there together. 6. Your mind. If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me. 7. Your love. If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long, because while I’m waiting, someone else may be saying it to me. See? As fun as whips and floggers, butt plugs and vibrators, rope and cuffs, etc. are, they aren’t a need for this submissive. I need a good foundation that can support a strong relationship. |
Sunday, June 3, 2012
I Hate
I hate when I need you and you can't be there. I hate that she's your jailer, keeping you home. I hate that she's the one with all the drama, something always happening to her. I hate that I sometimes don't believe you when you say you can't come meet me. I hate being second in every little matter. I hate that we don't have time together. I hate when you bend over backwards for her, when I barely ask you for anything. I hate that I can't be mad at you. I hate how lonely you make me feel. I hate feeling so much for you when you don't feel the same for me. I hate this a lot. But I can't leave. Because I love you and I love what little time we do have together. That makes it all worth it.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Priority vs. Option
"When in a relationship....Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. "
How often do I need to be reminded of this! I have to remember that I am an option to him, not his priority and that I need to be treating him the same. I need to stop being disappointed when I don't hear from him. I need to remember that I'm being held at arm's length right now and that I need to do the same to him.
Knowing and doing....two totally different things.
How often do I need to be reminded of this! I have to remember that I am an option to him, not his priority and that I need to be treating him the same. I need to stop being disappointed when I don't hear from him. I need to remember that I'm being held at arm's length right now and that I need to do the same to him.
Knowing and doing....two totally different things.
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Kiss
A kiss can tell you so much about a person. Are they sloppy or tidy, aggressive or passive, passionate or dull, all business or playful? There's an exchange of scents, tastes, textures, secrets and emotions.
I have kissed some truly awful kissers. The kind that just makes you want to push them away and go "yuck, can you get me a towel please?" All tongue and spit and slobber. And then there's the ones who never open their mouth and it's like kissing a wall. Those have always translated to not having the chemistry I was wanting with a potential partner.
And then there's the ONE. The one who when I kissed him for the first time, I knew I was going to be in trouble. It was the perfect blend of aggressiveness, mixed with playfulness. Warm, soft, giving lips who took as much as they gave. Just the right hint of tongue. No gnashing of teeth, no tongue being forced down my throat. Soft gentle nibbles on the lip. Just a total melting into each other. Being pushed up against the car, feeling his body mold so perfectly into mine.
You see, the perfect kiss isn't just mouth and lips and tongue. It's the whole body. It's feeling his strong arms wrapping just right around me. It's reaching down and grabbing his belt loop and pulling his hips into mine. It's feeling how much he craves me. It's the buckling of the knees when he moves to that area just below the ear lobe for a quick feathery hot breath before coming back to end the kiss.
And now, 4 months later, that kiss gets me going every single time. I crave his arms pulling me to him, his lips on mine, his breath tasting like cigar and red wine. And last night was a new one. His lips, his tongue, his hot breath following up my spine, so softly you could barely feel it, making my back arch and sending chill bumps throughout my entire body.
He knows how to make me acquiesce, so easily and so completely. Just kiss me. And I'm all yours.
I have kissed some truly awful kissers. The kind that just makes you want to push them away and go "yuck, can you get me a towel please?" All tongue and spit and slobber. And then there's the ones who never open their mouth and it's like kissing a wall. Those have always translated to not having the chemistry I was wanting with a potential partner.
And then there's the ONE. The one who when I kissed him for the first time, I knew I was going to be in trouble. It was the perfect blend of aggressiveness, mixed with playfulness. Warm, soft, giving lips who took as much as they gave. Just the right hint of tongue. No gnashing of teeth, no tongue being forced down my throat. Soft gentle nibbles on the lip. Just a total melting into each other. Being pushed up against the car, feeling his body mold so perfectly into mine.
You see, the perfect kiss isn't just mouth and lips and tongue. It's the whole body. It's feeling his strong arms wrapping just right around me. It's reaching down and grabbing his belt loop and pulling his hips into mine. It's feeling how much he craves me. It's the buckling of the knees when he moves to that area just below the ear lobe for a quick feathery hot breath before coming back to end the kiss.
And now, 4 months later, that kiss gets me going every single time. I crave his arms pulling me to him, his lips on mine, his breath tasting like cigar and red wine. And last night was a new one. His lips, his tongue, his hot breath following up my spine, so softly you could barely feel it, making my back arch and sending chill bumps throughout my entire body.
He knows how to make me acquiesce, so easily and so completely. Just kiss me. And I'm all yours.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I Need....
What Do I Need From My Dominant?Jade Richardson 1997
I Want vs. I Need
We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it (I know that’s hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.
We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
Submissive Owner’s Manual
I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am . I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits . I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me . I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected . I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.
I need You to be my role-model . I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance . I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be
only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You . Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve set.
I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership . No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day, the day to celebrate being a mom and having a mom.
My biggest joy in life is being a mom. My children challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and show me more love than I ever could have imagined. When I'm upset there's nothing sweeter than to hear my 2 year old say "You sad Mommy? Mommy don't be sad, be happy." or for my 6 year old to climb in bed with me in the mornings and cuddle before we get ready for the day.
For many many years, I never thought that I would get to celebrate Mother's Day. For 4 years we tried to have a baby. We spent upwards of $40,000 on fertility treatments, went through more heartbreak than I ever knew possible, a miscarriage after a successful 1st IVF, a failed IVF cycle, a continual up and down emotional roller coaster ride, sex life in the toilet (being told when and how we could have sex got old FAST!), more poking and prodding with needles and then tests and more tests to try to find out what was wrong. They never did find out what was causing me not to get pregnant.
And then there were the Mother's Day that came and went. I stopped going to church on those Sundays because I couldn't bear to still be seated while all of the moms were standing and being acknowledged for the wonderful thing they had done. To get the "one day you'll be standing too" pity looks from our friends who knew about our struggle. I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard emotionally to be happy for another "oops...we weren't planning on this yet" baby. When my best friend had her baby I was there to see it all happen. I saw a miracle in front of my eyes. And then I walked out into the hallway and sat there and cried because it wasn't me in that room holding her newborn baby.
I contemplated killing myself. "If I just drove off that bridge, no one would miss me. I could make it look like an accident." Thankfully enough my husband recognized the depression and urged me to go to counseling. It helped. I told my husband more often than not "Just leave me and find a wife who can give you children." I felt like a total and utter failure as a wife and woman. I mean, I couldn't do what a 16 year old girl having sex for the first time and ooops....we forgot the condom could do.
And then our 3rd IVF worked. August 2, 2005 I found out I was pregnant and 8 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Just a short 6 weeks later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I went to church that morning and wouldn't you know it....they didn't acknowledge the mothers at all! But that was OK...I had my baby and life was good.
And now I have my precious baby girl who is so much like me it's scary and when she makes it to her teens...I'm in trouble! She's my miracle baby. A year of trying, a few months of fertility treatments, take a month off, go on vacation, have sex once in a 3 week time period and BAM....pregnant.
So I've seen both sides of the coin. The struggle and the surprise. And both mean just as much to me. I have days where I feel like I'm an awful mom and days where I feel like I totally rock at it. Days where I feel like my kids are going to drive me to the mental hospital and the next where I'm totally patient and nothing bothers me. Each day though, I know that I have these two precious children for a reason. God granted me the desire of my heart that I carried for so long. And for that, I celebrate getting to be a mom today. I am so blessed.
Now, just to remember that when my daughter has written all over the leather couch with a black sharpie marker!!
My biggest joy in life is being a mom. My children challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and show me more love than I ever could have imagined. When I'm upset there's nothing sweeter than to hear my 2 year old say "You sad Mommy? Mommy don't be sad, be happy." or for my 6 year old to climb in bed with me in the mornings and cuddle before we get ready for the day.
For many many years, I never thought that I would get to celebrate Mother's Day. For 4 years we tried to have a baby. We spent upwards of $40,000 on fertility treatments, went through more heartbreak than I ever knew possible, a miscarriage after a successful 1st IVF, a failed IVF cycle, a continual up and down emotional roller coaster ride, sex life in the toilet (being told when and how we could have sex got old FAST!), more poking and prodding with needles and then tests and more tests to try to find out what was wrong. They never did find out what was causing me not to get pregnant.
And then there were the Mother's Day that came and went. I stopped going to church on those Sundays because I couldn't bear to still be seated while all of the moms were standing and being acknowledged for the wonderful thing they had done. To get the "one day you'll be standing too" pity looks from our friends who knew about our struggle. I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard emotionally to be happy for another "oops...we weren't planning on this yet" baby. When my best friend had her baby I was there to see it all happen. I saw a miracle in front of my eyes. And then I walked out into the hallway and sat there and cried because it wasn't me in that room holding her newborn baby.
I contemplated killing myself. "If I just drove off that bridge, no one would miss me. I could make it look like an accident." Thankfully enough my husband recognized the depression and urged me to go to counseling. It helped. I told my husband more often than not "Just leave me and find a wife who can give you children." I felt like a total and utter failure as a wife and woman. I mean, I couldn't do what a 16 year old girl having sex for the first time and ooops....we forgot the condom could do.
And then our 3rd IVF worked. August 2, 2005 I found out I was pregnant and 8 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Just a short 6 weeks later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I went to church that morning and wouldn't you know it....they didn't acknowledge the mothers at all! But that was OK...I had my baby and life was good.
And now I have my precious baby girl who is so much like me it's scary and when she makes it to her teens...I'm in trouble! She's my miracle baby. A year of trying, a few months of fertility treatments, take a month off, go on vacation, have sex once in a 3 week time period and BAM....pregnant.
So I've seen both sides of the coin. The struggle and the surprise. And both mean just as much to me. I have days where I feel like I'm an awful mom and days where I feel like I totally rock at it. Days where I feel like my kids are going to drive me to the mental hospital and the next where I'm totally patient and nothing bothers me. Each day though, I know that I have these two precious children for a reason. God granted me the desire of my heart that I carried for so long. And for that, I celebrate getting to be a mom today. I am so blessed.
Now, just to remember that when my daughter has written all over the leather couch with a black sharpie marker!!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Heart or Mind?
Yesterday I needed to text my ex to ask him something for a friend and was surprised to get a text back that asked if he could call me. Ummmm...ok, go right ahead. He answered my question and then we got caught up on what's been going on the last few weeks with each of us in a very superficial "Hi, how ya doing" kind of way. He asked me where I was and I told him at the mall doing some shopping and he said that he needed to run by the mall also and could we meet for lunch. Ummmm....sure, why not. I told him to call when he got done and we'd figure out where to meet.
He called while I was finishing up my shopping, so I told him to meet me where I was so I could get his opinion on a couple of outfits that I was trying to decide on. He was there in a few minutes and gave me one of the biggest, warmest hugs I've gotten in a long time, from anyone. Things were very familiar and comfortable together, not like we had just "broken up" and hadn't seen each other in weeks. He helped me pick out a bathing suit and cocktail dress and we were off to lunch.
Lunch was, again, comfortable. More catching up, how are the kids, how's the spouse, ready for vacation, etc. And then I asked "So, are we going to talk about it?" So we did. I finally got some understanding of what had happened. When he found out that his step-daughter was pregnant, he felt like his life was spinning out of control and the one thing he could control was his reaction to me, so he closed up, shut me out and didn't want to deal with me anymore. That he just needed a few weeks to make sense of everything and then he would have been fine. I asked him "If things hadn't happened with your daughter, would we still be together?" and he said "Yes, I was very happy with everything between us."
So I went on and made sure he knew how I felt. I didn't beat around the bush, I just came out said "You broke my heart. You hurt me and I wonder if you ever really loved me in the first place." The look on his face when I told him that was one of pure grief. I think he knew in his heart that he had hurt me, but hearing me say it with such emphasis, kind of took him back I think. I told him how hurt I was that he wasn't around when I did the donation and that I felt like I had been really let down with part of my support system. He was really great and just let me talk and get it all out without being defensive or trying to make me feel bad for how I had been feeling.
We finished up lunch and walked back to the car. I apologized for the mean words I had said and he gave me a smack on the ass, that completely surprised me, and said that he had been looking forward for weeks to giving me that. Yes, I admit, I did deserve it. We got in my car and I took him back to his. He told me that he wanted to see me again so we could see where we stand and that if nothing else he still wanted to be friends. I told him that I don't know if I can do the "just friends" thing. He told me to think about what I want. Then he kissed me. And my god....the chemistry is still there. Physically, we have always been amazing together. The sex was always mind-blowing, the kissing always melted me. He got out and I drove off more confused than ever.
About an hour later I texted him and asked if he still loves me. He said yes, but not in the same way I love my husband or he loves his wife. And I asked him "Do you love me the same way as before everything happened?" He says back "I would say it's a little bit different, maybe because of some of the things that were said." I told him that maybe it was a good reality check for us. He asked if I thought that the chemistry would be different so I asked, "Did you think it was today when you kissed me?" He said that the chemistry is still there. And then he comes back with "I think it would be best, if we were to decide to see each other again, to be more D/s focused and less like lovers. I think that would allow for a little more separation from the day to day life." Then he had to leave and we didn't get to finish the conversation.
So now....where am I with everything? CONFUSED!!!! Part of me wants him back like no other, part of me wants to kick his ass to the curb. I want a relationship that has all parts in it....both the D/s and the lover aspect. I don't know if we can stick to just the D/s aspect of it. I want someone who sees me as their girlfriend, their lover, their confidant, their plaything, their slut to be used. I want the daily life interwoven with the playtime. I want to make love to him one day and be beat and used the next. I want to give my heart, mind, body and soul to him and I expect him to do the same. I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen when the next crisis comes along, because I can guarantee, another one is going to come along, probably sooner rather than later.
My mind is saying run, run away and don't look back, he's not going to give you what you need in a relationship. But my heart....I'm afraid my heart is going to get me in trouble and get me hurt again.
He called while I was finishing up my shopping, so I told him to meet me where I was so I could get his opinion on a couple of outfits that I was trying to decide on. He was there in a few minutes and gave me one of the biggest, warmest hugs I've gotten in a long time, from anyone. Things were very familiar and comfortable together, not like we had just "broken up" and hadn't seen each other in weeks. He helped me pick out a bathing suit and cocktail dress and we were off to lunch.
Lunch was, again, comfortable. More catching up, how are the kids, how's the spouse, ready for vacation, etc. And then I asked "So, are we going to talk about it?" So we did. I finally got some understanding of what had happened. When he found out that his step-daughter was pregnant, he felt like his life was spinning out of control and the one thing he could control was his reaction to me, so he closed up, shut me out and didn't want to deal with me anymore. That he just needed a few weeks to make sense of everything and then he would have been fine. I asked him "If things hadn't happened with your daughter, would we still be together?" and he said "Yes, I was very happy with everything between us."
So I went on and made sure he knew how I felt. I didn't beat around the bush, I just came out said "You broke my heart. You hurt me and I wonder if you ever really loved me in the first place." The look on his face when I told him that was one of pure grief. I think he knew in his heart that he had hurt me, but hearing me say it with such emphasis, kind of took him back I think. I told him how hurt I was that he wasn't around when I did the donation and that I felt like I had been really let down with part of my support system. He was really great and just let me talk and get it all out without being defensive or trying to make me feel bad for how I had been feeling.
We finished up lunch and walked back to the car. I apologized for the mean words I had said and he gave me a smack on the ass, that completely surprised me, and said that he had been looking forward for weeks to giving me that. Yes, I admit, I did deserve it. We got in my car and I took him back to his. He told me that he wanted to see me again so we could see where we stand and that if nothing else he still wanted to be friends. I told him that I don't know if I can do the "just friends" thing. He told me to think about what I want. Then he kissed me. And my god....the chemistry is still there. Physically, we have always been amazing together. The sex was always mind-blowing, the kissing always melted me. He got out and I drove off more confused than ever.
About an hour later I texted him and asked if he still loves me. He said yes, but not in the same way I love my husband or he loves his wife. And I asked him "Do you love me the same way as before everything happened?" He says back "I would say it's a little bit different, maybe because of some of the things that were said." I told him that maybe it was a good reality check for us. He asked if I thought that the chemistry would be different so I asked, "Did you think it was today when you kissed me?" He said that the chemistry is still there. And then he comes back with "I think it would be best, if we were to decide to see each other again, to be more D/s focused and less like lovers. I think that would allow for a little more separation from the day to day life." Then he had to leave and we didn't get to finish the conversation.
So now....where am I with everything? CONFUSED!!!! Part of me wants him back like no other, part of me wants to kick his ass to the curb. I want a relationship that has all parts in it....both the D/s and the lover aspect. I don't know if we can stick to just the D/s aspect of it. I want someone who sees me as their girlfriend, their lover, their confidant, their plaything, their slut to be used. I want the daily life interwoven with the playtime. I want to make love to him one day and be beat and used the next. I want to give my heart, mind, body and soul to him and I expect him to do the same. I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen when the next crisis comes along, because I can guarantee, another one is going to come along, probably sooner rather than later.
My mind is saying run, run away and don't look back, he's not going to give you what you need in a relationship. But my heart....I'm afraid my heart is going to get me in trouble and get me hurt again.
Time
"Don't be someone's down time, spare time, part time or some time....if they cannot be there for you all the time....then they are not even worth you time."
Oh how true this quote is.
Oh how true this quote is.
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Better Way To Do It
On one of the groups I am a member of, one of the members posted this. It sums it up perfectly:
Dear married beloveds,
Ok so the possibility is that someday you may decide you want to work on your marriage again.Thats the risk we take. We know they are there. We know they are a priority to you. Some of us may even understand if you need to leave us behind. But for what we have been to you, talk to us. Even though we know when you make that decision its going to hurt us, give us an option of being part of that decision making so we can support you .. or thank you....not to do it leaves us wounded and feeling like its our fault, something we did or didn't do. And God forbid, a text message leaves us in shock. The not knowing why hurts more than an honest goodbye..... we may be your secrets but we are worth your time even at the end.
I know its hard to say goodbye, but give us the way to grieve and end it.
Friday, May 4, 2012
I'm an ESTJ
This is SOOOOO me! I took the Myers Briggs test and it is definitely who I am.
Portrait of an ESTJ - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.
ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.
The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.
The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.
When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.
ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.
The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable.
While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.
Portrait of an ESTJ - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
(Extraverted Thinking with Introverted Sensing)
The Guardian
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.
ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.
The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.
The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.
When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.
ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.
The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable.
While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)