Chaos Can Be Good

So I'm slowly swimming back to the surface again.  I've got two weeks of school behind me, two to go.  So far have an "A" average and hoping that it stays that way!  Life right now is full of studying, kids and family.  I'm studying just as hard now, but better I think.  Learning to juggle everything is a trick, but I can do it.


My best friend and her daughter came up to see me this weekend.  Wasn't the best timing, but it was a very needed break.  It was great to focus on something besides just school for a day.  We did a lot of shopping and a lot of eating....two of my favorite things!


I've met someone new.  He seems to be what I've been looking for in both a Dom and a "boyfriend".  He's really trying to get to know me on all levels and trying to figure out what makes me tick and why.  He's given me some thought-provoking tasks along with some fun ones.  We had instant chemistry when we met in person last week.  When he walked in the door, I was hooked.  He's handsome and looked way better than he did in his pictures.  I stood up to greet him and we somehow ended up kissing hello.  Two short quick pecks, but totally out of character for me!  I could feel his dominance immediately.  I think even if I didn't know going in that he was Dom, that I would have picked up on it pretty quickly.  It was all very subtle, yet still there.  It was in the way he held my hand, the way he pulled me to him to whisper something naughty in my ear, the way he looked at me. We talked for about an hour and I could have sat there and talked another hour very easily.  When it was time to leave, he walked me to my car and he kissed me a little less chastely this time and it just made me want more.  We've agreed to take it slow so that it doesn't turn into a purely sexual relationship.  We both want something long-term and meaningful.  Since last week it's been a pretty steady stream of texts, emails and phone conversations.  I'm seeing him later this week again!


I've learned that my husband is chatting with a girl that he used to know through work.  She's apparently sub also and they've been exploring that side of her.  I'm glad for him.  He really needs someone steady that he can focus on also.  I always feel bad that I have someone and he doesn't, like I'm always having the fun while he watches from the sidelines.  


OK...time to study again.  Knowing that I made an "A" on my exam has pushed me to keep at it!

If You're Going to Fuck Me

Read this today and loved it!  I've been fortunate that the guys I've met have always been mature and respectful of my body and of me in bed.  


I am very fair skinned and I've finally come to appreciate it and love it along with my c-section scar and stretch marks.  I'm a mother of two precious children and my body is what it is today because of them.  I have some extra flab that someone who didn't have kids has and I have flabbier boobs now than I did pre-kids.  But that doesn't stop me from enjoying sex and what it is and how it works and the total enjoyment I get from it.  Sex with me is pretty damn amazing from what I've been told....white skin, scars, noises and all.  



"You’re going to have to like my pasty white skin. I’m not tanning it, it might blind you. Enjoy.

Deal with the fact I don’t bath in roses and bleach every five minutes. Girls sweat too.

My fat. My cellulite. My stomach. All of these things are going to be bouncing around. Better be to your enjoyment because it’s going to be to mine.

You have to be able to say vagina. I hate when people can’t say vagina. If you can’t say it, you’re not getting in it.

My noises. I make them. They’re high pitch, sometimes they’re loud. And I’m not monitoring them.

My stretch marks are my tiger stripes. I love them, and so will you.

My acne. It’s there despite me not being fifteen anymore. You can’t catch it, and it doesn’t prevent me from sucking a mean cock.

This isn’t the movies. Sometimes I don’t wear make up, sometimes I don’t wear perfume, sometimes I don’t shave.

But I’m going to fuck with the lights on. I’m going to cum while looking into your eyes. And the only way you’ll be fucking me with my clothes on is if it’s a quickie behind some tree or building.

I’m not fucking you to judge you. You shouldn’t be judging me either."

It's Over - Part Deux

I just walked out on him.  He told me to get dressed and get the fuck out so I did.  I told him I couldn't do it anymore.  I can't do just sex.  I tried and I can't.  With any other man I could, but not with him.  I can't forget the feelings that I had for him and just push them down and squash them.  If he can't love me, then I've got to learn how to stop loving him.  I feel incredibly empty right now.

School

I started back to school this week.  It was the first time in 14 years that I've stepped back into a classroom.  Let me just say....what the HELL was I thinking???  I'm going from no school to 20 hours of classroom lecture and lab.  I'm in class 4 days a week, 5 hours a day and then I have studying on top of that.  I am overwhelmed, nervous and flat out scared.  I have no time for anything right now except for studying and classes.  The only time I see my husband is first thing in the morning, at dinner and at bedtime.  I fit studying into where ever I can.  Breakfast, book is open in front of me.  Waiting to meet a friend to go to the lab, book is open in front of me.  Husband takes kids for a walk after dinner, I'm on the couch with a highlighter in hand.  


So you're probably asking, so how does she have time to sit and type this out?  Because I needed a brain break before I break!  SOOOO much information to remember in such a short amount of time and my brain is overwhelmed.  Everything is running together now.  I'm trying to read about cellular formation and what makes up a cell and how it functions and what process transports what and it's just one big jumbled mess of information right now.  


4 weeks of this.  I can do anything for a month....right?  God I hope so.  This class will decide whether or not I get into nursing school.  So yeah...no pressure at all.  I truly must be a masochist.

Seven Things I Need From My Dominant

A submissive serves her/his Dominant. No question. What he/she needs, he/she gets. A submissive is always being watched. Rest assured however that submissives have needs in a relationship as well. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know what this submissive needs, and I have a feeling it isn’t all that unique to me.  1. Your time. If you can’t be with me, talk, text, instant message, or send smoke signals fairly frequently then you aren’t for me. I need to know I am on your mind and you want to be near me. It isn’t just common knowledge, and it never will be, no matter how hard you have tried to make it so.   2. Your attention. If you can’t listen to the little details of my life and make contributions that are useful (even if they aren’t what I want to hear), then you aren’t for me. I need to know that what matters to me today, tomorrow, or next week, also matters to you. Whatever it is may be a silly thing in your mind, but it’s my thing, and it’s important to me. 3. Your consistency. If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them. 4. Your honesty. If you can’t tell me the truth, all the time, every time, then you aren’t for me. I do not lie to you, even when I really want to, and I expect the same courtesy. If you are always honest with me, even about the little things I don’t even know I should ask you, I will find it easier to believe the harder stuff. 5. Your trust. If you can’t trust me to know my limits, when we reach them, and to let you know, then you aren’t for me. I trust you to take me new places, but you have to go with me too, and sometimes those places are also new to you. Let’s go there together. 6. Your mind. If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me. 7. Your love. If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long, because while I’m waiting, someone else may be saying it to me. See? As fun as whips and floggers, butt plugs and vibrators, rope and cuffs, etc. are, they aren’t a need for this submissive. I need a good foundation that can support a strong relationship.

I Hate

I hate when I need you and you can't be there.  I hate that she's your jailer, keeping you home.  I hate that she's the one with all the drama, something always happening to her.  I hate that I sometimes don't believe you when you say you can't come meet me.  I hate being second in every little matter.  I hate that we don't have time together.  I hate when you bend over backwards for her, when I barely ask you for anything.  I hate that I can't be mad at you.  I hate how lonely you make me feel.  I hate feeling so much for you when you don't feel the same for me.  I hate this a lot.  But I can't leave.  Because I love you and I love what little time we do have together.  That makes it all worth it.