What Does Love and Hurt Teach?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you... your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman

Why do we  put ourselves out there so another can rip us apart?  So another can take that little glass splinter and work it into our heart and hurt us and make us bleed?  How can a hurt be so physically painful at times? 


Those were questions I never had to ask myself before I met M.  Now they're questions I have to answer.  Unfortunately I don't really know how to answer them.  I gave him a piece of me, I let him inside my heart and my soul.  I trusted him enough not to hurt me.  And that's exactly what he did.  


It's been almost 7 weeks since we've seen each other.  And you know what?  I'm stronger than I was before. Pain and hurt teaches you, just as much as love does.  Love taught me that I can let someone into my heart that I wasn't planning on.  It taught me that my heart is big enough for more than one person in my life.  And what did the pain and hurt teach me?  That I'm a strong person.  That I can get back up and move on with my life, grateful for the time we had together.  That no one, NO ONE, can make me a person that I'm not supposed to be.  No one can beat me down unless I let them.  No one can make me feel worthless unless I let them.


I'm a strong, independent, confidant woman.  And I am so blessed, yes blessed, that I was taught these things the hard way.  Because of him, I grew as a person, I grew as a wife and I grew as a submissive.  


So thank you M....thank you for loving me and for hurting me.  I am a stronger person today because of it.

Wanted You More

Have you ever had a song that just spoke to you in that moment when you really really needed it to?  I had that happen this week.  


Since W and I ended things earlier this week, I've had an increasing need to contact M.  I think over time you forget the bad and remember the good, unless it was really really bad.  I've been missing him and the physical connection and to an extent the mental connection also.  Apparently all that eclipses the fact that he told me that I should try something like sales instead of nursing because I have a "great smile and big tits" and that he told me to "get dressed and get the fuck out" the last time I saw him.  Apparently the fact that he didn't like the way I took care of my house, the way I drove, the way I did most things, is forgotten by the fact that he told me over and over again how amazing I was in bed.  


So I broke down and emailed him.  Pretty much it just said that I'm sorry for how things ended and I wish you the best.  And then I waited with baited breath to hear back from him.  And he did and it said that he felt bad for how things ended as well and maybe we can get together for lunch.  


And then I heard this song the same day.  "Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum.  One of my favorite groups by the way.  And it hit me.  I don't want to get back together with him.  I want closure.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did and why he said the things he did.  I am ready to move on from him and from how I was treated.


"I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No I never, saw it comin'
Somethin' in you
Must have changed"

When I don't know why something happened, it plagues me.  "What did I do. What did I not do. What happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about it."  

"My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind."


I wasn't a priority, I was an option.  I don't deserve that and I'm not going to be that for anyone again.  Yes, life gets in the way.  But someone who truly wants a relationship with me, has to keep me off of the back burner.  It's that simple really.  I'm not going to want anyone more than they want me.  It's a two-way street.


"I don't need you
I don't need you anymore"

When

So the "perfect Dom" is apparently a myth.  I thought I had found him, but apparently I was being played.

When am I going to find that guy who is what I need and what I want?  I never thought it would be so difficult.  I've done married and now single.  Neither of those worked out.  Maybe I need to find a divorced guy now.

Maybe I just need to stop looking period.  They always say the one for you will fall in your lap when it's least expected or when you stop looking.  Maybe....who knows.

I'm just tired of the game.  I'm tired of the broken promises, the empty words, the untruths, the drama, the games.  I'm just tired.

School's Out For Summer

Singing this in my head thanks to Alice Cooper and am I ever so glad that it is!  I've got the next two months off and then heading back to take A&P II in the fall.  I made an A in my summer class!  I figured out that I can do anything that I set my mind too and if I surround myself with people who  love, support and care for me, that I can touch the stars.  It was a tough month with no life, but I did it and I'm so proud of myself.


So summer is here for me.  What am I going to do???  Enjoy being mom until my son heads back to school in 4 1/2 weeks.  I can't believe that summer is just starting for me but half-way over for him!  My daughter goes back after Labor Day, so she'll get a few weeks of one-on-one Mommy time.  


I'm also going to get to spend some much needed time with my new Dom.  Things are going very very well with him.  I'm still a little hesitant to put myself out there too much thanks to Asshole (yes, my new name for my last Dom).  I'm just trying to take it slowly and make sure I don't get burned again.  Right now, in NRE, it's truly wonderful.  But happens when the NRE wears off?  I have some reservations about him being single.  He's the first single guy I've been with and I don't want to tie him down to me when he can be with a woman who can give him a future.   As he's told me, it's not an issue.  But what happens if 6 months, a year, two years down the line, when I'm fully vested in this relationship and completely in love with him, he wants someone who can give him a marriage and children?  Someone who he can grow old with?  I'm not leaving my husband, who is my "forever love" to start a new life with someone else.  So I get hurt, again.  He finds a woman who can give him everything and I'm left picking up my heart again.  I guess it's a chance you take in any relationship.  I have to trust him that he's never going to intentionally hurt me.  He told me yesterday that he promises to be overly honest with me and protect me.  That I'm his girl and he takes that seriously.  I have to trust that.  That's all I can do.