Punishment

On Friday, I had a bad day.  A really bad day.  I was upset at my husband and couldn't have any contact with C because he was with his wife all day.  We had gotten to talk for about 3 minutes before he was interrupted by her and had to hang up abruptly.  I was feeling neglected and tossed aside.  I started thinking irrationally and wanted some revenge and was thinking "you can't tell me what to do when you're not here".  So I broke the number 1 rule that he had given me - No cumming without permission.  I pulled out my favorite purple vibe and went to town.  Within 5 minutes I had my orgasm and thought "That was nice but not great".  It felt empty and left me wanting.  

And then the guilt set in.  The guilt of breaking one of his most important rules. I directly disobeyed him and it was like spitting in his face and saying "I don't care what you tell me, I'll do my own thing".   He owns my orgasms and I stole one from him.  It's not just about having an orgasm. It's about respecting his limits for me and knowing that he has a reason for having that restriction in place.  It's about him owning every part of me; my heart, my mind, my soul and my body.  

All of this completely ate me up inside and I sent him an email confessing to what I had done, knowing full well that I would be punished the next time I saw him.

We finally get to see each other on Monday and I know that I will be punished and I know that he will not be taking it easy on me.  And I don't want him to.  He is my Dom and my punisher for when I need it.  With him not letting me off easy with just a slap on the wrist, or the ass as it might be, it will prove to me that he is my Dom and that he's serious about it.  That he's the one in charge of me and that he WANTS to be the one in charge of me.  And with that comes the respect I need to fully immerse myself as his submissive, as his little one.  

I think up until now, even though I have been serious about being his submissive, that I have been hesitant to fully surrender myself to him.  Reason being, I've had a couple of other Doms never take it seriously and until I'm able to know that my Dom is serious about this, I don't want to give all of myself with the thought of being horribly disappointed again.  

I'm tired of holding back and not fully surrendering.  I know who I want to fully surrender to and I know that he won't disappoint me.