Selfishness

According to the dictionary, selfishness means:
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.


Am I a selfish person?  As I sit here and look at my very bruised arms from the donation, I think to myself, how could a truly selfish person go through what I went through to save another person, a person that I don't and might never know?  A selfish person would have said no, that it didn't benefit me any to do this.  That it hurt to bad, that it took up too much of their own time, that it wasn't fun.


Am I selfish person?  Aren't we all at some point?  Even as a submissive, isn't there a little bit of selfishness in it?  Don't I submit to another to get something back in return?  To get that praise, that reward, that orgasm, that smile from your Dom.  I might be serving another, but I don't give of everything I have, just to give it.  Maybe that makes me a bad submissive. 


I've actually read that selfishness is a trait that a submissive needs.  I have an obligation to make my needs known and being met.  My Dom can't read my mind.  Subs are often highly attentive to others emotions and we sometimes take it for granted that others are just like us and just knows when our emotions are out of whack.


Or I can look at it this way.  I am here to serve his needs and in doing so, my needs will be met.  When he's feeling stressed, out of control with work or family, mentally or physically exhausted, or just needs time to himself, it is my job to give him what he needs.  Sometimes that could mean just giving him space, not being needy, loving him when he needs it, backing off when he needs that also.  When he's able to have his needs met in whatever way he needs it at that moment, then he, in turn, will also meet mine, when he is ready to.  If I push him and let my selfish needs take over, it will become a vicious cycle.  For some Doms, they will just shut down and for others, they will just push you away, sometimes for good.  


So which way do I go?  Do I serve all of his needs and wait for mine to be fulfilled or do I put my thoughts out there so he'll know and risk looking selfish?  I think with each Dom it differs.  Sometimes putting your needs out there can make them feel lacking as a Dom or sometimes it gives them a good "upside the head" moment and makes them realize that we're in this together.  It's important to learn which way your Dom goes on that.


Unfortunately I learned this lesson too late.  But at least I've learned it.  Now I just have to make sure that I can remember this for my next Dom.  


And speaking of my next Dom....he might be just around the corner.

Donation Day

Yesterday was Donation Day.  It was a long, emotional, tiring day.

I have crap veins so they had decided to try ultrasound guided placement of the needles needed for the donation.  After 3 sticks, and about an hour, to get them in, I was taken down to the aphresis area where they would do the donation.  When they went in to flush the veins to get the tubing hooked up, both of my veins had collapsed so I was sent back downstairs to get a central line in my groin placed.  There was some tears when I found out they had to do the line.  The nurses  were so wonderful and really rallied around me and the Atavan they gave me helped me immensely.

Another hour later I was moved back up to the unit, hooked up to the machine and laid there for 4 hours while my blood was recirculated 6 times.  I slept some and just hung out.  I had the nurse in the room with me the whole time and she was just fabulous.  We talked about me going to nursing school and she really encouraged me to think about working in hematology/oncology.  I had always said that I would never want to do that, but now, I'm actually thinking about it.

When the donation was done, there was a courier there to pick up the marrow and stem cells and take them to the little girl who will need them.  Another emotional moment.  To actually see what my body had been working on for so hard for the 4 days prior and then to see it packed up and taken away was a tough moment.  I wished it well and told it to go do good things and save this little girl.

So they take me down to have the central line removed and things start going even more downhill.  The line came out fine but I started feeling really nauseous and my fingers started tingling.  The nurses jumped into action and started ordering blood tests and doing a new IV.  I started crying again when I found out I had to be stuck again.  At this point I was just exhausted physically and mentally and I sent John out to call my parents to see if they could keep the kids again overnight.  I literally laid there and cried that I just wanted to go home and I wanted my Mom.  They checked my calcium levels and they were on the low side which was causing the tingling and nausea.  I was given some Zofran so I slept and finally 2 hours later was allowed to head home.  I was still feeling sick and ended up throwing up on the side of the road a few miles away from home.  After that I felt so much better.  Came home and just laid on the couch, ate some toast and popcorn and went to bed .

Would I do this again?  Absolutely.  Even with all of the complications I know that they were minimal compared to what this little girl had to go through.  I am still mentally and physically exhausted so today is going to be spent on the couch, but to know that I saved a life yesterday....that buoys me and confirms that it really was all worth it.

Bone Marrow Donation

About 3 years ago I signed up to be a bone marrow donor.  I never imagined that I would get a call that I was a match, but at the end of October that's exactly what I got.  I was told it was for a 7 year old little girl who has Fanconi Anemia.  I was sent in for more testing and the week of Christmas I got the phone call that I was a perfect match.  I was excited, nervous and humbled.  They told me that the donation was going to be in March or April, so I waited.  Most of March moved on and still I waited.  Finally at the end of March I got a call that we were ready to move forward.  I was sent for a complete physical and given a tentative donation date.  I would be doing a Peripheral Blood Stem Cell donation.  What that means is that for 4 days before the donation I have to take a medication called Filgrastim and the donation is a lot like giving plasma.  They take the blood out of one arm, remove the stem cells and marrow and give me back in the other arm what they don't need.

So I started the Filgrastim 3 days ago.  The side effects aren't pleasant, but tolerable.  For me it's been bone pain, muscle pain and insomnia.  Tylenol has been able to keep the edge off for the most part and the effects are actually getting less as the time goes on.  Maybe my body is just getting used to it.

Tomorrow I go in for the donation.  I'm ready for it to be done.  It's actually the easy part of the whole week.  I get to sit and watch movies for 4 hours.  After the donation I should be back to "normal" in a day or two.

So those are the facts.  Now how to I "feel" about all of this?  I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy.  It's been painful, but I have to keep remembering that I'm doing this for a little girl so she can have a longer life.  There have been times when I just wanted to complain and cry that I don't want to do this anymore.  That it hurt too bad.  But I have a wonderfully supportive family who understands and has really picked up the slack and has kept encouraging me.

One of the hardest things is being praised for what I'm doing.  I don't want praise for it.  I do want people to know how important it is and to encourage others to sign up to be on the registry.  This short 5 day time period is minimal in the grand scheme of my life.  And for that I get to save a life.  Now that's pretty damn cool.

New Chapter

When I started this blog it was just supposed to be between my Dom and I about our relationship.  Well, since we are no more, I'm expanding it to be about me.  About my life, my marriage, my kink, my relationships.  It will be my place to vent, to explore, to muse, to figure out, to cheer, to cry.  And I invite you to come along for the ride!  Please feel free to leave comments.  It would be nice to know who actually reads this.  


So about me.  I'm in my mid-30s and married for 10 years to John (no, not his real name, just what I'm calling him here).  Two amazing kids, little girl who is 2 (going on 16), little boy who is 6.  I live in Nashville and just moved here in August.  I'm a stay-at-home mom and I'm going back to school in June for nursing.  


I'm in an open marriage and have been for almost a year.  So far so good!  It hasn't always been easy, but I have a very strong marriage and open communication.  As a matter of fact, while things were going south with my Dom, John sat on the bed and rubbed my back while I cried.  He's an amazing husband and is my "forever love".  He's out on a date while I write this actually.  We both know that other will always come home and that our family will always be our number one priority in all of this.  


I'm also polyamorous.  What does that mean?  I have the capacity to love more than one at a time.  I don't believe that one person can truly fulfill all of a person's wants and needs.  I believe in a "for now" love.  That love could be for a few months or for a few years.  I would love to find that love that lasts for years.  But alas, that doesn't always happen.  But each love I have teaches me new and wonderful things, both good and bad.


I'm also a submissive.  This quote defines who I am perfectly:


“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”  Anais Nin


I am a strong woman who holds her head high and has a fantastic sense of who she is, however, I crave submitting to a man who can peel back my layers and see all of me, not just the strong parts but the vulnerable parts also.  I want a man to get inside my head, to challenge me, to use me, to shape me into the sub I know I can be and that he wants me to be.

I'm in search of my perfect Dom.  Someone who sees all of me and loves me even more because of that.  Who will take the bad with the good, the imperfect with the perfect, the ugly with the beautiful.  Someone who doesn't run away when it gets to hard to handle, when I get difficult and moody and clingy and needy.  But rather someone who will embrace those parts of me and help me to become a better person because of those traits and who will teach me how to use those negatives to become that better person.

Each relationship that ends, I learn something.  Sometimes, many somethings.  With the first Dom, I learned that distance can be really hard on a relationship.  With my second Dom I learned that physical attraction is really important along with having really great aftercare.  The "scene" might be AMAZING, but without the physical attraction and needed aftercare, you're left feeling empty.  And with my last Dom, I learned the most important lesson of all so far....that I was capable of loving more than one person at a time.  And for that I will be forever grateful.  I also learned that consistency and follow through is HUGE for me.  I'm sure I'll go into more of all of this at a later time.

But for now....it's time for a new chapter and I can't wait to see what the future brings me.  

Moving On and Starting Over

How do I move on and start over when I still don't understand what happened in the first place?  In an hour and 20 minutes it went from "I love you and miss you" to "You have a selfish and hateful attitude so goodbye".  And all I said was "So I'm in a holding pattern.  OK....I can deal with that".


My heart is absolutely broken and my mind is beyond confused.  I don't understand how in just a week we went from good as gold to over.  I don't understand how just asking for 10 minutes of his time so he could explain to me face to face what was going on made me selfish and hateful.  Maybe it was the way I approached it.


He had always told me that being open with how I was feeling was what he wanted.  I've kind of figured out that isn't always the best policy.  Sometimes just keeping your mouth shut will save you a lot of misery and pain.


So where do I go from here?  Right now I'm just fighting the urge not to text, call or email him to apologize for everything.  I'm hoping that once things settle down, we can come together again and maybe work this out.  I still love him, more than I thought possible, and I don't want to loose him forever, especially like this.

My New Philosophy

"I want to expose myself emotionally, sexually and intimately without fear of reprisal, abandonment or ridicule.  I want this act to be received in a way that supports my dignity, intelligence, womanhood and heart.  I want to be not only accepted but needed.  Not only needed but cherished.  Not only cherished but respected.  All of me….not just my body….not just for what I represent or provide or satisfy but because someone wants to see who I am….really, really see...see all the parts of me and still wants me as a whole – wants me “as is”.  Only then will I be able to believe the sincerity of the words seductively spoken in dark corners and breathless moments.  Only then will I know that I am not invisible to another and that true connection between two people exists.  Only then will I love completely, truly and honestly as I love myself."

Open

I posted yesterday and then took it down because I finally heard from him last night.  The text says "It's been a terrible couple of days.  I will call you tomorrow.  A lot has happened and everything has changed.  I love you, have a good night and I hope you sleep well."

OK...so renewed hope that I'm not just a second hand thought.  So he takes my hopes and raises them up and then what?  Today happens.  Text from this morning at 9am:  "I have a ton of work to get done today, I'm going to try to get away to see you".  So it's almost 2:00 and I haven't heard another word.  Heading into a weekend and I won't be seeing him for at least another 2 days.  So that's a week without seeing him then.  OK...I can handle this.  And how do I handle this?  By reposting what I originally posted yesterday.  Here it is:

He wants me to be open with him, but apparently it's not a two-way street.

I hadn't heard from him all day.  Hell barely heard from him yesterday.  Haven't even talked to him on the phone in 2 days, since 1:30 on Tuesday to be exact.  Yes, my phone keeps a log.  I was barely tolerated on Monday.  So here I am on Thursday afternoon.  I purposely didn't text him today to see how long it would take for him to text me.  I held out till 3:30.  And what do I hear back?  "Having some family issues.  I'm not really in a mood to talk to anyone right now."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Do you know how that would have been received if I had said that? I didn't realize that "open, honest communication" only applied when you FELT like it or when you were in the MOOD to talk.

Well I FEEL like being open right now so I'm going to do it.  You wanted open and honest....well here ya go babe.

You supposedly love me.  You supposedly care for me.  Is this how you treat people that you love?  Because if it is, I don't want any part of it.  I don't deserve to be treated like a burden to someone.  I don't deserve to be treated as second-rate.  I don't deserve the left-overs of your life, your "when I have time for you" leftovers.  I don't deserve to be ignored until you find the time and energy to contact me.  If you can't juggle a wife and me, then you shouldn't have both.

You probably think I'm being too needy or emotional or blowing things out of proportion.  How do you expect me to react when I go from seeing you 4-5-6 times a week and now maybe once or twice?   When I go from talking to you at every spare moment to not a single contact all day?  To being that person you wanted to reach out to and now you don't?  To being that first thought in the morning and last at night to not being that?

And I don't know what to do now.  I don't know whether to say "Fuck you and your life and your problems" or "I'll just wait here until it all settles down and you get it figured out".  And here's the thing.  You're still all of the things I just mentioned above to me.  You're still the first thought I have in the morning and the last before I go to sleep.  You're still the person I want to reach out to with good and bad news, with my happiness and my troubles, with my triumphs and my defeats.

For the first time ever, I feel like a mistress.  And that feeling sucks.  I want you in my life for a long time, but I can't be treated like this.  I don't deserve it.